Do good without want
No selfish expectations
Strengthen that muscle
Do good without want
Do good without want
No selfish expectations
Strengthen that muscle
I feel like I’ve written about this before, but in my cursory search I didn’t find any posts here about this, so forgive me if I’m redundant.
I try to be a good person. Every day I try to be a better person than I was the day before. I remember this strange day in 7th or 8th grade when I just a complete epiphany. It was like I woke up and saw the world completely differently and want to work on my flaws and become a better person than I had been up until that point in my life. I’ve spent every since then working on just that, and I’m sure I will spend every day of the rest of my life doing just that.
I always try to take the “high road.” I’m not always successful. I try to meet anger and confrontation with peace and understanding. I try to be helpful and generous. My friends are very important to me and I am always trying to sing their praises, get them opportunities whenever I can and say the things that they are too modest to say about themselves. I want the world to know how awesome these people are. This all being said, it’s very important to note once again that I often fail in my endeavors. I am definitely an imperfect being with many flaws. I can be selfish, I have certain behaviors that I don’t know how I feel about and sometimes feel maybe I need a little too much validation and love from others as my fuel. I am hopefully modest enough but not as modest as I’d like to be. So I’m not writing all this to say “Aren’t I a great guy?”
My real point here is that often times the “high road” and trying to be a good person is a very lonely journey. It can often like it a very lop-sided, sometimes one-way street. Sometimes it can feel like you try to put so much into the world, for so many other people but rarely get anything back the other way. And this is the key thing that you need to change if you feel this way. You shouldn’t do good things in hopes of some return or karmic payback. We are all human, and of course it can be frustrating if it feel unreciprocated, which it most certainly will on occasion. You should do go for its own sake. And yet, even then, it’s never truly for its own sake because doing good should make you feel good. Knowing that you’re making the world a better place and helping people you love.
And just as importantly, appreciate and never lose sight of when the good does come back your way. It’s human nature to focus on the negative. You can get ten compliments but it will be that one negative comment that sticks in your head and draws all your focus. Be thankful when someone does sing your praises, or send you a sincere thanks for what you did, or just offers you an opportunity without you even asking. Recognize these things and remember them. And take all the greedy personal joy you like out of the good things you do for others and the world at large, but keep the ego in check and don’t do it for accolades, praise or the hopes of some reward or payback. Those are always dangerous motives.
Well, this suddenly feels over serious. Let’s remedy that.
A former girlfriend
Gorilla suits and cruise ships
And a burlesque star
In dream 17 I was hanging out with one of the first girls I ever dated (who, while still in touch on Facebook, I haven’t really talked to in over 20 years, so quite a surprise appearance). In the dream she wasn’t married with children however and there was definitely some flirting/rekindling happening. I remember vague things about being in a mall parking lot, and later I had gone back to someone’s house (maybe hers, maybe a friend’s that I had the key to and was house sitting or something). I remember keeping all the lights off in the house because there was someone I was trying to avoid and I thought they might come by the house and so I didn’t want to know anyone was there. Then I remembered that they also had a key and would probably just let themselves in. I also remember dressing up in a gorilla costume for something, and then playfully playing with/scaring the neighbor’s kids in a fun goodhearted way. The dream ended with another appearance from the ex, as she laid on my lap and we laughed and flirted, both wary of actually getting involved again, yet tempted.
Dream 18 guest starred burlesque star, Eva Strangelove who I met while working on a music video (also quite a surprise appearance). We were both on a cruise ship, I think in some professional capacity. I’m not sure of the details of what either one of our roles were in this particular situation, but something had gone wrong on the boat and everyone was kind of stranded on the ship. I remember a big open area where there were lots of people at table’s playing various board games and such like you would see at a gaming convention. Fast forward and somehow we were now back at Eva’s place (which strangely, had walls that were all covered in that fake wood paneling), though I still remember a feeling of sort of being in the middle of some kind of emergency, like we were still “stranded” in some way. Her husband, Dave was out on the road himself, so we weren’t able to get in touch with him for the moment so I told her to go get some sleep and I stayed up to try and figure things out and work a solution to whatever the problem was. I remember a TV set set up in a nook that was about head height when standing in kind of an odd place, like the nook was right up against the wall, so not prime viewing location, but it felt more for decoration than actual TV viewing. The TV was behind a thin curtain or veil, so I could see the image but not quite make out what it was. As I stared at it trying to decipher what was on happening on the screen, I could also see in the next room that Eva was sleeping, so that was good. She stirred and came out to the couch. I think at that point, either she had finally got in touch with Dave or we were about to do so. Then I woke up.
In hopes of future results
It’s a tough journey
I think I just put my finger on the hardest part about diet and exercise and trying get in shape and be generally healthy: it’s that you have to work hard now for some potential results that are supposedly down the road. It’s kind of like if someone said “If you let me punch you in the face now, I’ll give you $5000 in 6 months.”
If I knew that could skip that burger and fries right now and see an inch come off my ass-ular region, that would be something! We all want immediate results. It’s hard to set down a difficult path in the hopes that it will all pay off at some indeterminate point in the future. Meanwhile, you’re “sacrificing” now and still unhappy with your body/health/etc.
Eye of the tiger, my friends. Eye of the tiger!
Silly and science
Pack your brain with some knowledge
And maybe some laughs
Here’s a series of science videos I did for the Qubit Lab in conjunctions with scientists from Oxfprd and across Europe! I really enjoyed these!
You can’t live without
Temptation all around you
Don’t give up the fight
I was a pretty skinny kid until I was about 18. 30 inch waist and mostly skin and bones. When I hit 18 my metabolism screeched to halt plus I was driving and not walking nearly as much and I had formed horrible eating habits. I loved sweets, fast food, junk all around. I think that full sugar sodas were the only liquid I put into my body and did so in great quantities. Strangely, I didn’t really notice myself getting bigger. I’m not sure how it slipped by me but one day I went to get some new pants and realized I was wearing 40″ pants now. I occasionally tried to jump on whatever train I had overheard was the way to being fit, but never with any success. I topped out at about 230 pounds on my 5’10” frame. Apparently, I wore it well. When I went for a costume fitting once, the costumer didn’t believe me when I gave her my measurements.
Fast forward to 2004. I was married and living in Austin and somehow stumbled upon the South Beach Diet. I read the book. It was the first “diet” that really clicked with me. Mainly because it wasn’t just some fad diet that was a quick shortcut to losing weight. It was a scientific explanation of how the body processes the fuel you put into it and it just made sense to me. It was a change of lifestyle, not just a “magic formula.” With the help of my (now ex) wife, I managed to drop 60 pounds and get into the best shape of my life. I still wasn’t where I would optimally like to be, but I was definitely in the healthy weight range for my body. I could feel it. My body finally moved right and didn’t feel like I was wearing a fat suit. Since then, I’ve mostly kept it off with some small swings and backslides on the dietary front.
A few years ago I got into hot yoga and did that 5 times a week for about a year or more and definitely got in the best shape of my life. Eventually my diet slid a little farther than I would have liked and eventually the exercise did too, a bit. I was now a single guy who doesn’t like to cook, prepare or really spend any time on eating at all. Once I got back into a full time day job (as opposed to all my years freelancing) then yoga disappeared. Carving out an extra 2 hour window to go, do the class and shower felt like a Herculean task. I also hate deciding what to eat (which is usually my downfall). Now, 9 years after I finally got my diet in line, I am in the worst shape I’ve been in since dropping all the weight. I’m hovering at 190 which is at least 20 pounds more than I’m comfortable with (though I have added some muscle as well so the weight can’t truly be trusted to judge by). I toyed with “4-hour body” but quickly abandoned it. Food and the state of my body have become a major point of frustration and depression at times for me.
Let me divert for a moment to say that I know I have severely warped body image issues. I really have no idea what I really look like. Or maybe I do, I guess I don’t know but I know I’m not happy. As an actor, sadly, physical image is something I have to be concerned about. When I see myself on film it’s even worse than the mirror. I personally do not believe the “camera adds 10 pounds” crap. It’s a device that captures an image and I believe that it probably shows us truer than we see ourselves. I will also be the first to admit that while health is a factor on my mind, that vanity is the larger factor. I don’t like the way I look.
Lately I’ve found trying to eat healthy to be overwhelming and frustrating. I know low carb seems to work for me but I’ve now realized that I was probably not taking in nearly as many calories as I should have been either. Trying to eat low carb and get enough calories seems like a lot of work. I tried simply calorie counting a la Weight Watchers or MyFitnessPal but, puzzlingly, did not seem to get results. I’ve accrued a lot of nutritional knowledge over the years to the point where I now end up going down a rabbit hole and getting overwhelmed. For example, I think I’ll try to go low carb. Oh but I need to get enough calories as well. I don’t really like to cook or spend time eating so I go pre-packaged. But with pre-packaged, it’s hard to find low-carb options. I end up with some microwavable chicken breasts and a microwavable bag of seasoned broccoli, and then don’t like what I’m eating because it’s bland. Oh, and you should stay away from processed foods anyway which rules out almost everything I would normally eat that’s easy, pre-packaged or microwavable. Forget it, I’m tired of it and will just grab something somewhere. Just the other day, I went to the store with intentions of starting a new healthier lifestyle and within minutes, felt on the verge of tears, defeated and just grabbed some bacon, egg and cheese Lean Pockets.
Let’s address another big point. I truly believe I am a food addict. I don’t drink, smoke or do drugs of any kind. I’ve cut out diet sodas and am trying to cut out sugar (which I’ve done before back when I lost all the weight). Food is my vice. My drug. My addiction. It’s where I turn for comfort. It’s what I look forward to. It’s a source of happiness. I heard someone (I believe it was Riki Lindhome) make a great point which is that if you kick heroin or alcohol or many other addictions, you can go the rest of your life without those substances, but we all have to eat. We can’t give up food so there’s an extra layer of temptation there (and please know that I am not at all trying to compare or devalue the amazing accomplishment of kicking any substance addiction). I often feel out of control and like I “can’t stop myself” from getting and eating that thing as guilt sets in before I’ve even taken a bite because I’m unhappy with my own body and have no one to blame but myself. I suck at moderation. I can’t seem to eat a cookie or two, I eat the whole package. With foods I like, I can devour them in bulk, while sometimes I have trouble choking down a “healthy” meal if it’s something I’m not enjoying. I have a lifetime of really crappy eating habits to fight against and my tastes naturally run to the not healthy side. While I have had vegetables prepared that I have enjoyed, they still don’t exist in my mind’s database of “things I like.”
More frustrating is that I have done it before! I changed my diet and dropped 60 pounds so why can’t I find that place is again? Is it because I no longer have a wife who knows how to shop and cook? I remember how after a couple of weeks of changing my diet, that “I must have the french fries! I can not resist!” turned into “I would like some fries, but I can live without them.” I have not been able to find that place again yet.
I have often said that I wanted to find some kind of “People Chow.” Something I could make a huge batch of for the week that just had all the nutrients I needed. I don’t mind lack of variety if I don’t have to think about it and can just get rid of the hunger and give my body fuel. Enter my next adventure, Soylent. I’d read about Soylent quite a while back when it was basically one guy experimenting with formulating a drink he could drink 3 times a day to fulfill all his nutritional needs. Now they’ve raised millions of dollars and are going into mass production. They’ve been getting feedback, consulting scientists and dieticians and refining the formula and will start shipping by the end of this year. I will be trying a one month supply. The more interesting implications are as a solution to world hunger. I’m sure it will be controversial, and many will cry that no magical formula can replace nutrients from whole foods and such. I guess we will see. I’m certainly willing to give it a shot. The makers even make the point themselves that even if it’s not as good as eating a healthy whole food diet, it could still be a huge step up in health for many people who eat like crap.
Tonight as I once again battled the grocery store, determined to kick start my body again, I once again came close to giving up out of frustration. I grabbed some fully cooked microwavable chicken breasts and then my mind went down that rabbit hole again, “these are probably processed and not nearly as healthy as cooking and seasoning a chicken breast yourself and that microwavable bag of Tuscan Seasoned broccoli has who knows what else in it and the regular unseasoned broccoli is probably way healthier, but then I won’t want to eat it because it will be bland and, and, and…”
Eventually, I just stopped my mind and instead of giving up completely, I got the microwavable chicken breasts and broccoli. Because it’s still a lot better than grabbing burgers, fries, shakes, pizza and ice cream. I always want to do these severe and complete overhauls when it’s been proven time and time again, that small changes are far more likely to stick.
So that’s where I am. At least until my Soylent arrives, I will keep fighting this battle. I’ve failed before, and probably will again, but I guess what’s important is to keep fighting.