The Cheese Shoppe

Wanted: One Life

Have you ever felt like maybe your life is out there, but you’re just not living it? This is my best attempt and a describing how I sometimes feel. I’ll try and explain, but it’s one of those things that’s at least semi-intangible so it’s difficult.
Todays particular episode came from scouring the Styx website, and the website of Styx drummer, Todd Sucherman. As I looked at all the pictures from the road, videos, notes from the band, and such, I just felt this longing. Like I was seeing something that I was supposed to be a part of, but wasn’t. It was as if I was seeing the life I should be living or something similar to it. It was sort of like looking out from a prison cell and seeing people having fun and laughing, and knowing you should be out there with your friends doing the same. A bit of a strong and melodramatic example, but it seemed to fit. I even toyed with the idea of becoming a roadie, but realistically knew that like any other industry, you have to work your way up and pay your dues before you get big gigs like that. Besides, I also knew I’d be compromising myself, since that’s not really what I want to be doing with my life.
This same thing happened recently when scouring the “Weird Al” site. In fact, I wrote Al a letter praising his new album and offering myself as a backup guitar player, personal assistant or anything else he might need. I figured, hey, what the hell. It couldn’t hurt. It probably has about the same chance of getting results as a lottery ticket, and I buy those.
This feeling often haunts me. When I watch the Oscars, I feel so strongly that should be there. There are just so many times when I know the life I should be living but aren’t, and I wonder if I ever will. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I have lived that life in the past perhaps, if you believe in that sort of thing. Maybe that’s why it feels so right and so familiar, and yet so impossible and far away.
Sometimes I just want to give up on it all, settle into a “real” job and just drown myself in escapism by watching lots of movies and playing lots of video games. It would sort of be a self-inflicted lobotomy, Stepford Wives kind of thing. Just be a happy, ignorant denizen of The Matrix and forget about it all. I can’t do that, of course, but it’s damn appealing sometimes. I think it’s just all compounded by the stress of the impending move, and good old money woes.
Again, my biggest problem is that I’m a dreamer. A lazy one. And despite this entry’s tone, a pretty stubborn optimist most of the time. Well at least I still have about 46 years to accomplish something, according to The Spark’s Death Test.

Great weekend, craptastic Tuesday.

So after the great weekend, I find out today that UPS left $300 worth of new video cards for our computers laying on our doorstep last night at about 9 pm. This package then apparently disappeared between that time and 11:45 pm when we got home. My neighbors said they saw the package, and then saw that it was gone later. Then in the midst of my frustration over this issue, I notice that apparently at some point during the weekend, my cousin’s cat decided to use the back of my leather jacket as a scratching post. There’s now several small little chunks out of the surface leather. I just want to go to bed now.

I’m lazy, and that sucks.

However, on an up note, I started working on my screenplay again. The one I started in 2000, quickly wrote half of, then got lazy. I have so many dreams and such, but I’m a dreamer at heart, and not someone who does everything they should or could be doing to get where they want to go. I often feel guilty that I’m not recording my songs, or writing on my screenplay. It’s a vicious circle too. Everyday, I think “I should write on my screenplay”, but just don’t feel like it, then I feel guilty, and then I feel even less like doing it. I was thinking about this the other day, and realized that I think acting is the most suited to me. Writing (screenplays or songs or whatever), getting a band together, recording songs, all these things take much more motivation, at least for me. Acting is something that comes naturally to me, and seems more suited to my lazy nature. Sure you have to prepare, have headshots, find and go to auditions and such, but somehow this all seems easy to me. You get handed something written by someone else, and then you just do it. You act. You emote. I’m not saying it actually IS easier than anything else, but for me personally it is. It’s what I think I’m best suited for since it *seems* so easy to me, while the rest feel like effort (though very rewarding effort when I actually do them). I feel like I have so much potential, and yet do nothing with it. I feel age creeping up on me everyday, and wonder if I’ve wasted too much of my life already. I think about all the years I had when I was younger that I could have really been busting my ass for what I want with much more ease than I can now. Yet, I can’t go down that road mentally. The doubt road. I have to believe that I can achieve my dreams. The dreams I’ve had for as long as I can remember. The dreams that make me feel like I have a purpose, and drive the very being of my soul. I can’t believe that it’s too late, or that what I want to do is impossible, or else suddenly everything seems very gray, lifeless, and zombie-like, like the world stops in a color snapshot and all the color slowly drains from it. Sometimes what I want seems so unattainable, and yet I must. I can see my destination, I just have no idea how to reach it. It as if I can see the start (me) and the finish but can’t see anything in between. It sucks to be a dreamer. I’ve always been an “idea” person who needs to work with others who are better at the actual getting stuff done portion. Well, enough rambling for the moment.