I’m lazy, and that sucks.
However, on an up note, I started working on my screenplay again. The one I started in 2000, quickly wrote half of, then got lazy. I have so many dreams and such, but I’m a dreamer at heart, and not someone who does everything they should or could be doing to get where they want to go. I often feel guilty that I’m not recording my songs, or writing on my screenplay. It’s a vicious circle too. Everyday, I think “I should write on my screenplay”, but just don’t feel like it, then I feel guilty, and then I feel even less like doing it. I was thinking about this the other day, and realized that I think acting is the most suited to me. Writing (screenplays or songs or whatever), getting a band together, recording songs, all these things take much more motivation, at least for me. Acting is something that comes naturally to me, and seems more suited to my lazy nature. Sure you have to prepare, have headshots, find and go to auditions and such, but somehow this all seems easy to me. You get handed something written by someone else, and then you just do it. You act. You emote. I’m not saying it actually IS easier than anything else, but for me personally it is. It’s what I think I’m best suited for since it *seems* so easy to me, while the rest feel like effort (though very rewarding effort when I actually do them). I feel like I have so much potential, and yet do nothing with it. I feel age creeping up on me everyday, and wonder if I’ve wasted too much of my life already. I think about all the years I had when I was younger that I could have really been busting my ass for what I want with much more ease than I can now. Yet, I can’t go down that road mentally. The doubt road. I have to believe that I can achieve my dreams. The dreams I’ve had for as long as I can remember. The dreams that make me feel like I have a purpose, and drive the very being of my soul. I can’t believe that it’s too late, or that what I want to do is impossible, or else suddenly everything seems very gray, lifeless, and zombie-like, like the world stops in a color snapshot and all the color slowly drains from it. Sometimes what I want seems so unattainable, and yet I must. I can see my destination, I just have no idea how to reach it. It as if I can see the start (me) and the finish but can’t see anything in between. It sucks to be a dreamer. I’ve always been an “idea” person who needs to work with others who are better at the actual getting stuff done portion. Well, enough rambling for the moment.