MIA: One Joie de Vivre. Yesterday I did nothing. I’ve been working twelve hour days, and some weekend time for the last several weeks. Doing not much more than working and sleeping, usually having time to watch one TV show with Jess before bed. Initially we thought we were going to have to work Saturday and Sunday so when we got Sunday off, I quite looked forward to just shutting off and becoming a human vegetable for a day which is pretty much what I did.

The problem is that the mind never truly shuts off. I also spent most of the day feeling complete listless and full of ennui. In fact, kind of bummed. I feel like a part of me has completely given up on any dreams I’ve ever had, but another part of me absolutely refuses to acknowledge and admit that. I often find myself wondering if I should just officially throw in the towel, barring some out of the blue lightning strike of luck such as someone seeing me at a gig and saying “I work for Paul McCartney (Sheryl Crow would also be good) and I’d like you to be the new guitar player in the band” or some equally improbably acting opportunity. I think that maybe I should just completely accept that I’m not going to go where I always thought I was going to go in life and move on.
I mean I do have a good life. There’s no denying that. I have a great wife, a good job where I could it seems I could have a good future and overall we live pretty well. Yet naturally this doesn’t stoke the unfed fire of youth’s crazy dreams. I think maybe I should just totally lose myself in escapism fun like TV, movies, and video games. If I just drop the dreams, then I won’t feel guilty about neglecting them for mindless unproductive fun.
Then there’s marriage. Now it’s very important to me that everyone (my wife especially) knows that I have no regrets. My wife is the best thing in my life and I would not trade our marriage for anything in the world, even a golden ticket to all my lifelong dreams. However, there’s no denying that marriage is an obligation. It is one which we choose, and enjoy fulfilling, but it is an obligation none the less, just like many other things in most people’s lives. Families, bills etc. With the limited amount of free time we have, I feel bad about using it for things which will take me away from her. I think it’s no secret that The Grr needs lots of attention to thrive, much like a rare plant. She needs lots of sunlight and love and watering, and sometimes I already fall short in that department as it is.
I’ve been meaning to get new head shots for about 2 years now so that I could then seriously try to get an agent and maybe some auditions. I’ve been meaning to work more on my guitar playing. I’ve been meaning to get around to recording more of my own songs for, oh, probably 20 years now. I’ve been meaning to work on the one song which I’ve already started recording (my remake of “Tomorrow Never Knows”). I’ve really been meaning to work on my music equipment and finally organize and tweak all my gear settings since I bought the equipment somewhere around 3 years ago. I’ve been meaning to get my solo acoustic act going again so I could maybe start hitting some open mic nights or getting some solo gigs just to get out there and meet people and get some exposure.
I’ve done nothing. The more things pile up, the more I do nothing, the more paralyzed I become by my own weight and inertia. Part of me really does believe that just living my life, my truly wonderful life with my wife, full of fun and escapism could be freeing and truly happy, but the damn dreams and desires won’t be put down so easily. For as long as I can remember, I’ve known why I was alive and what I was destined to do in this world. That’s not something that is easily euthanized. It’s something that slowly, painfully dies, screaming and scratching the entire way. It might possibly be immortal, or maybe it’s undead. Just give me that drug from “Equilibrium” and let me be a content and mindless happy drone in society.