INT. OFFICE BUILDING HALLWAY
DAVID enters the hallway via a door from the stairwell. He
seems a bit frantic as he hurries down the hall to another
door, where he scans a key card and opens it.
INT. OFFICE - NIGHT
David enters a darkened room full of cubicles and heads
towards a door with a window, where light can be seen beyond.
He opens the door.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - NIGHT
David enters the room and finds NOT FRED standing and looking
out the window into the night. Not Fred turns as the door
opens.
DAVID
(gravely)
What's going on?
NOT FRED
We've got a big problem. I checked
the access logs. Someone has been
accessing every single file we
altered.
DAVID
What? Is it possible that someone's
just snooping around randomly?
NOT FRED
The only files accessed were the
altered ones. They knew exactly
what they were looking for.
DAVID
Jesus! What are gonna do? The best
case scenario we can hope for is
that it's just some law enforcement
agency and we'll only end up in
jail! The far more likely scenario
is that whoever is accessing those
files will do their best to make
sure we're dead as quickly as
possible.
NOT FRED
That's definitely the more likely
scenario.
2.
DAVID
So what are we going to do? You
said this was foolproof! That there
was no way we could get caught!
NOT FRED
It should have been! It makes no
sense! There's no way anyone should
have been able to detect the trail!
DAVID
Well obviously they did! you were
the one who altered the files!
Obviously you screwed up!
NOT FRED
I didn't screw up! My changes were
perfect! There has to be some other
explanation!
DAVID
So what the hell are we going to do?
NOT FRED
I don't know!
DAVID
Well you better come up with
something quick, because chances
are we don't have much time!
NOT FRED
Look, I don't have any more
knowledge than you do! I'm just a
character in a movie, just like you!
There is an awkward silence as they stare at each other.
David is a bit stunned by what he's just heard.
DAVID
What are you doing?
NOT FRED
What?
DAVID
You can't just...do that.
NOT FRED
Do what?
3.
DAVID
(searching for an
explanation)
Do...whatever you just did. Just
say something like that.
NOT FRED
I don't really have any choice. I
just say whatever is written in the
script.
DAVID
There! You're doing it again!
NOT FRED
If I'm doing it again, it's only
because it's written that way!
DAVID
So you're telling me that everything
we're saying right now, we're saying
because it's written in the script.
NOT FRED
Yes.
David thinks for a moment, trying to wrap his head around
this brave new world. He lights up with an idea.
DAVID
Maybe you're improvising!
Not Fred, clearly thinks this is a silly idea.
NOT FRED
Actors improvise. Characters don't
improvise.
DAVID
So if we're just characters, do we
have names?
NOT FRED
You do. Your name's David.
DAVID
How do you know?
NOT FRED
Because in the script I say "You do,
your name's David."
DAVID
What about you?
4.
NOT FRED
I don't have a name. No one ever
addresses me by name in the film,
so they didn't bother to give me
one. Kinda lazy writing, if you ask
me.
DAVID
So what if I say "Hey, your name is
Fred!"
NOT FRED
(laughing)
My name is not Fred.
DAVID
But I just said it was!
NOT FRED
Yeah but it was written as you just
taking a random guess without
actually knowing my name.
David does not really comprehend this strange new reality.
DAVID
Look this is making my head hurt.
Can we just get back to reality...or
the story...or whatever it is. We're
wasting precious time!
Not Fred suddenly looks out the window. Out the window he
sees a car pull up and three people get out.
Tense music begins.
NOT FRED
I think it's too late. Somebody's
here.
DAVID
It's after hours. Unless they work
here, they shouldn't be able to get
in without a key card.
NOT FRED
These people accessed our secure
network and found our undetectable
files. I don't really think they're
going to just turn around and go
home, defeated, because they don't
have a key card!
5.
DAVID
If they're coming in through the
garage, we should make a break for
the front doors.
Not Fred nods in acknowledgement and they rush out the door.
INT. OFFICE BUILDING HALLWAY
David and Not Fred run down the length of a hallway to the
stairwell.
INT. STAIRWELL 1
They see someone coming up the stairs and go back the other
way
INT. OFFICE BUILDING HALLWAY
They run to the stairwell at the opposite end of the hall
INT. STAIRWELL 2
Again someone has beat them to it.
INT. OFFICE BUILDING HALLWAY
They run back to the elevator and push the down button. The
elevator dings and the doors open to reveal ASSASSIN 1, a
beautiful, sleek and deadly woman. David and Not fred are
stunned by this sight, as it is not at all what they were
expecting. Perhaps these aren't assassins. Maybe they're
just occupants of the office building. The men relax a bit
and put on their best charming smiles.
DAVID
Hi.
NOT FRED
How you doin?
The woman pulls out two big knives from behind her back.
She's an assassin. The two men's faces change drastically to
looks of terror and panic.
NOT FRED
Oh...
David and Not Fred run down the hall to a door. Assassin 1
casually walks down the hall brandishing her knives, as
ASSASSIN 2 and ASSASSIN 3 emerge from respective stairwells
at the ends of the hall with guns drawn. David and Not Fred
scan a badge and take refuge within the door. The three
assassins gather at the door.
6.
The assassins gather at the door. Assassin 2 pulls out a
small hand held device and holds it to the badge scanner.
She starts tapping on the screen to find the scanners
security code.
INT. OFFICE - NIGHT
David and Not Fred run to a remote corner and cower.
DAVID
What re we going to do? There's no
way out of here!
NOT FRED
I don't know. There's gotta be
something...wait a minute! The Music!
DAVID
What?
NOT FRED
It's the music! Listen to that tense
music! How could we not be in
serious jeopardy with that playing?
DAVID
Oh, so we're back to this again.
Not Fred sits down at a computer terminal and starts to type.
DAVID
What are you doing? They'll probably
be here any second!
NOT FRED
I'm spoofing the director's email
address and sending an email to the
composer telling him we need some
different music for this scene.
DAVID
Won't that take time?
NOT FRED
In the production world maybe, but
seeing as how we only exist in the
script, any production changes made
should be fairly instantaneous for us.
INT. OFFICE BUILDING HALLWAY
The hand held device beeps with success, and the three
assassins open the door.
7.
INT. OFFICE - NIGHT
David and Not Fred turn their heads toward the sound of the
door opening.
DAVID
They're here!
NOT FRED
Let's hope I'm right!
Not Fred pushes the enter key on the keyboard.
The music changes to a jaunty "Benny Hill" type tune. As wee
see down the length of the room we see a sped up scene of
David and Not Fred being pursued by the assassins. They
emerge from one cube and run across the screen into another.
They then emerge from a totally different cube and run across
the screen again.
David and Not Fred emerge from yet a different cube, while
the assassins emerge from another cube and catch sight of
them at which point David and Not Fred turn around and run
back to where they came from with the assassins in pursuit.
David and Not fred appear from another cube, creeping
cautiously. As the emerge, someone in a bear suit bounds out
from another cube and chases them across the screen.
A WOMAN in her underwear appears from a cube, giggling and
jiggling. David and Not Fred emerge, catch sight of her and
chase her across the screen.
The woman runs out from another cube with David and Not Fred
in pursuit, and the bear and the assassins behind them. The
entire procession runs toward the camera and off screen.
INT. OFFICE BUILDING HALLWAY #2
With the jaunty music still playing, we see the doorway to
an office. KYLE casually saunters into the doorway. As David
and Not Fred run onto screen Kyle addresses them and they stop.
KYLE
Hey, what are you guys doing here?
There's not supposed to be anyone
here. I'm doing some after hours
maintenance on the key card scanners.
You guys are lucky you didn't find
yourselves trapped in one area of
the building with non-functioning
doors!
David sees an opportunity in this situation.
8.
DAVID
Really? Can you shut off specific
doors to seal off an area?
Not Fred interrupts. He is hurried and fed up.
NOT FRED
Alright, look can we just skip this
part? Our co-worker conveniently
appears in a position to help us
out, but it turns out he's a traitor
working for the other side. Come on
let's go.
Not Fred grabs David and pulls him off screen, continuing
their fleeing.
Kyle is a bit dumbfounded, puzzled and annoyed by this
exchange.
KYLE
Hey! That's not really fair.
INT. OFFICE BUILDING HALLWAY
Continuing the sped up Benny Hill scene, David and Not Fred
run out the door and down the hall to the Men's bathroom.
The three assassins emerge not far behind them. Not fred
looks at the bathroom sign and motions to David. They enter.
The three assassins run up to the door, see the sign saying
"Men" with a picture of a man, and look at each other
shrugging in confusion and defeat. The jaunty music ends.
CUT TO:
INT. MEN'S BATHROOM
David and Not Fred lean against the door, panting.
DAVID
Great! Now what? We're trapped! Now
that the crazy music has stopped, I
doubt the gender restriction will
keep them out for long.
Not Fred gets a look of realization, a smile slowly spreading
across his face.
NOT FRED
We don't need very long. I think
we're going to be alright!
9.
INT. OFFICE BUILDING HALLWAY
The three assassins are altering the sign. The have added
"Wo" in front of the "Men" and added a skirt onto the picture
of the man. They slowly pull out their weapons, savoring the
vengeance they are about to taste.
INT. MEN'S BATHROOM
DAVID
Alright? Are you in the same reality
I'm in? How could we possibly be
alright?
NOT FRED
I know the budget of this production,
and by my calculations, they ought
to be running our of film right
about n...
CUT TO:
Credits.
As the credits finish...
INT. MEN'S BATHROOM
David and Not Fred are on the bathroom floor up against the
wall with the three assassins ready to strike.
DAVID
I thought you said they were out of
film!
NOT FRED
How was I supposed to know they'd
get a film grant!
CUT TO BLACK
Possibly followed by the sound of gunshots.
Sophocles Screenplay Software 2006
www.sophocles.net