Clogged

When I’m at my lowest points (such as now) and have all these pessimistic negative feelings, I don’t know what to do with them. I decided that I don’t feel comfortable expressing them here for various reasons, I can’t talk to Jess about them, and talking to anyone else doesn’t seem to really help all that much. This makes being caught between the Scylla and Charybdis seem like an appealing vacation idea.

So I guess it’s time.

I’ve avoided making this entry for a long time. Why I’m not sure. I guess for one I didn’t really want to talk about it. Also I didn’t really know if it was just a temporary thing or not.
Jess and I are separated. Have been for a few weeks now. We’d talked long and hard about it before coming to this resolution. There was no one thing, no big blow up, no cheating, no drama, no single event that brought this on. I do however think that while it was mutual, it’s mostly me who broke it. I don’t like it, I’m not happy about it. I think the separation has had the opposite effect on each of us. It’s pushed me more toward wanting to work things out and pushed her further toward thinking that life apart is the way to go. She’s moved on, written “The End” and closed the book. I think we’ve both moved 180 degrees and completely swapped places. At least I can’t help but laugh at the karmic irony.
That is all. Just thought I should let anyone know who didn’t already. Thank you all in advance for the sentiments but I don’t need words of comfort, as there is none to be had. If anyone still reads this blog anyway, I know you all care. Thank you.

Can you call it a career if you’re not making any money?

It recently dawned on me that despite the fact that I’m still in the “not making any money at it” phase, I definitely have at least the illusion of what seems like a burgeoning career.
I’ve done numerous smaller student films this year (4 that I can think of off the top of my head) and of course had a starring role in the independent feature film, “Deadly Obsession”. Larry and I have completed two of our own shorts, “The Ruse” and “Sal Monella” (we still have one re-shoot and the editing to complete), plus we still have a stack of short films written and ready to go that we will continue producing. We are also working with a producer friend on a feature idea as well as pitching some ideas for some internationally syndicated TV shows that could be a real opportunity at some real money (which would be purely commercial fluff with no substance, which is what his contacts are looking for). We also have an idea for another possible TV show that I’d like to write up into a treatment and pitch to someone somewhere.
Aside from that I have 4 features lined up, 2 starring and 2 smaller roles as well as another short. Now if I can just get paid for more of my work, I might have something. At least I’m staying busy, getting my name and face out there and meeting tons of people.

My latest musical composition

Last week I was discussing with a friend certain chord changes and melodies that I particularly like in songs. We also got to discussing Bon Jovi power ballads because I had borrowed a tape deck to go through all my old cassettes and see if there was anything I wanted to save and I ended up rediscovering all kinds of songs I’d forgotten about. The next day I was in the shower (which is also where I came up with the idea for “The Ruse”…apparently the shower is my creative haven) when all of these factors came together with a title that I’d come up with back when I was writing some demo jingles for a studio here. Once all these combined, suddenly a song started forming in my head. When I got out of the shower, I immediately started writing the song. Over the next few days, it was all I could think about. Wherever I was, whatever I was doing, I just wanted to get back to working on the song. I would write verses while I was out and hope that I could remember them later.

2 days after starting the song, I finished writing it. I then decided that I wanted to record just a quick demo of the song so I wouldn’t forget it. I thought it would just be acoustic guitar and vocals. I laid down 2 acoustic guitars. Then I started playing with the drums and found that it really added a lot so I went ahead and laid those down. After that, it just sounded incomplete without bass. Next thing I knew, I had pretty much fully produced the song. At first, I was kind of frustrated because since I had only set out to make a rough demo, I hadn’t really spent the time to really do things right so I thought I’d probably have to just go back and re-do everything later when I wanted to record it properly. The more the song progressed though, the more I thought that it might actually pass as a finished work.

This has now become what I think is my best song to date. I am incredibly proud and satisfied with it. I can actually listen to it and enjoy it as if it were not my own. I have, in fact, been addicted to it.

For your (hopefully) listening pleasure, I present “Fall for Me

Cupcake Monkey Productions presents “The Ruse”

Our latest short film, The Ruse, has been completed and may I say, we are damn proud of it. This was our first production with something resembling real production values. We had a lot of real equipment at our disposal and a small but immensely talented crew working with us. It was all very exciting. We learned a lot, and though it is far from perfect, we are very satisfied with it.
Read on for the full story including in depth technical film making crap.

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Guitar Hero 2: Redux

While we were filming the movie we had taken our Playstation with us to play Guitar Hero and Guitar Hero 2. At some point, something had messed up and we lost all our GH2 save data. I had completed the game on every difficulty level and completely 5 starred Medium and most of hard. I was distressed. For a long time, I couldn’t find the will to climb back on the horse and start all over again.
Then a few days ago, I started my band over and went straight for expert. I don’t know what was up, but I tore through expert like a madman doing far better than I had the first time through expert even though I hadn’t played in quiet some time. Today, all I had left was the final 4 songs on expert. My first time through, I had to really practice and play through each of those songs, many, many times before finally completing them through sniper-like use of my star power. Today, I finished all four of them on my first try. My GH2 mojo has never been stronger.

Deadly Obsession Update #2

Sorry for the lack of updates but I’ve been filming every day, usually for long hours. The days all blend into one another and I’ve lost all concept of day of the week or time of day. I am, however, still having the time of my life.
I feel incredibly sad that it will all draw to a close this week. The entire cast and crew are like family to me now and the thought of not seeing them every day hurts. though it’s all kind of a big blur, I’ll try to remember a few highlights:
After helping Zoë with a taped audition that will hopefully get her a role in a short film back in the UK, we ended up having an impromptu party at the guest house on the ranch where we’re staying. It started out with a lot of Guitar Hero, which we’ve now got several people addicted to, but ended up in a huge sing along jam session where Iskra and I were playing guitar and everyone else was playing whatever was handy including bongos, cardboard boxes, trash cans, empty water bottles, harmonica, and plastic bags among other things. We got most of it on tape. Maybe it will make it into the “behind the scenes” features on the DVD.
I had my climactic fight scene which took all day but was a blast. Me and Delno both ended up bruised and battered but it was well worth it. At one point I swung a real ax at his head and planted it in a huge chopping block as he moved out of the way.
I’ve also had to handle pig guts, get blood spat in my face and had another great scene where I kill my wife in an airport bathroom. Ace, the actress playing my wife, really threw herself into it and we ended up with an awesome physical struggle.
I also got to drown an actress under a rain gutter in the simulated pouring rain. She was also such a tremendous sport, laying on the ground in the mud under a pouring rain gutter while I sat on her holding her under as we were getting drenched by rain hoses.
Zoë also continues to amaze me with her performance and talent. My scenes with her are so much fun as I get to play an entirely different side of the character that’s much more sincere and human. Of course I also get to do all kinds of interesting and disturbing things to her character, too.
I’m sure there’s much more but as I said I’ve been working day and night, many times on very little sleep and very little food (and that mostly being junk food snacks on set). This movie has been a microcosm of the dream I’ve been chasing for as long as I can remember. Let’s hope it’s only the beginning.
Then there’s this morning when I stumbled in at 6:45 a.m. after a party…

A Perfect Song

“Hey There Delilah” by Plain White T’s is one of the most absolutely perfect songs I’ve ever heard. Simple, sparse yet full of as much pure emotion and soul as a song can be. I can’t stop listening to it even though it makes me want to cry every listen.

Sal Monella

Larry and I were talking to Zoe, our co-star in the movie about doing some project together before she moves to New York to become rich and famous and forget us little people. We didn’t really have anything written that we could fit her in to, so we started talking about another idea we’d had for a while but not done anything with. We immediately thought it would be a great project to do with her before she goes. This was at around 7:00 p.m. last night. In 24 hours, we’d written all three segments and recorded the jingles to go along with them. Zoe even contributed the female vocals to the jingle.

Strange Headspace

Doing this movie has been one of the coolest experiences of my life so far. It’s the closest I’ve ever come to living the life that’s been in my head for as long as I can remember. It feels right. Living at the Ranch Studios while filming has also added a strange summer-camp-like feel to it all. Being away from home, going through this experience, meeting all these incredible people, and playing a very intense and twisted person has somehow turned up my emotional sensitivity. I find that everything I feel at the moment, I feel very deeply.
I’ve been very introspective and pensive. Sometimes alone and yet somehow reveling in it. I’ve written before about how, often in my life, I’ve felt a general disconnect with the world at large, like I’m some kind of alien and just not quite the same as the rest of the world. There’s been some of that and yet also some very wonderful moments of connection. Sometimes this heightened sensitivity is invigorating and other times it brings a certain melancholy.
When I was much younger I always thought that if I got a “real job” besides acting or music that it would be either as a psychologist or a psychiatrist. I have a very analytical brain and I’m always analyzing motivations, actions and emotions trying to decipher the hidden code. I’m usually pretty damn good at it too. I think I have a pretty good understanding of of it all but sometimes there is still “magic” that I can’t quite reverse engineer. Part of me is endlessly frustrated by things I can’t figure out but I guess it’s always fun to have more mysteries to investigate too. I’m just bursting with a million things inside me right now. Interesting times.
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