Cerebral Flotsam And Jetsam - My Mental Maelstrom


Random ramblings

In many ways Autumn/Winter are my favorite time of the year. Always has been. Strangely though, it always seems to be a time of the year when I am much more pensive and emotional. Really in touch with my emotions and passions. For obvious reasons I am absolutely dreading the next several months. Please send all the good vibes, Wiccan spells, prayers and thoughts you can muster.
I am really digging the new show “Journeyman”. It’s easy to write it off as a “Quantum Leap” ripoff but I really think it has its own thing going.
I’m almost done with my “Expert” Guitar Hero III career. Next month, ROCK BAND! That game is going to be awesome.
Owen Wilson, I understand, man. Call me if you want to talk.
Uh, yeah. I think that’s it for now. He’s Chevy Chase and I’m not. I am outta here!


User registration

So thanks to Jess I discovered a little quirk here since I upgraded to MT4. If you previously commented using Typekey then you may have had a problem trying to register here now (Movable Type now has built in registration so you don’t have to use typekey if you don’t want to). I’ve cleared out the database entries so if anyone previously tried to register but received “a user with that name already exists” then you should be able to register now if you so choose. Otherwise typekey still works as do LiveJournal logins, OpenID and Vox logins.
Let me know of any wonkiness you encounter.



I’ve succumbed to twitter too thanks to Jess who succumbed thanks to some other friends. I actually find it pretty fun though I would find it much more so if there were more people I knew using it.


HD TV, TiVo and such

I have a first generation TiVo that I’ve since hacked and upgraded in many ways. I’ve added a second hard drive, replaced the first hard drive, added a cache card and an ethernet jack so it can communicate with my wireless network instead of using the phone. When I first bought it I bought the “lifetime subscription” which has long since paid for itself but is locked to this particular unit. They no longer offer lifetime subscriptions and you can’t transfer it.
They were having a special where you could buy a new HD TiVo for $300 and transfer your lifetime membership to the new unit for $200 (basically buying a new lifetime membership even though they technically aren’t offered any more). I was so tempted, however we don’t have the money to do it and we don’t have an HD TV. It would have been more for prevention of future problems. Eventually I will get an HD TV and HD service at which point our TiVo will no longer be of any use because it will not handle HD quality.
Uhh, bummer. That’s really all there is to this story.


My latest film adventures

Today I shot a film with the team that won the 48 hour film challenge for Austin and therefore went on to the next round. We were filming a short film for the national round today. Friday night we received our instructions on what genre our film had to be and some other details we had to follow. The writers wrote until about 1 a.m. and we filmed it today. It was a lot of fun and I got to do some more fun improving that seemed to please everyone.
I think I forgot to mention that on the last short film I did I got to do some great improving also and especially the scene Larry and I had together had everyone in stitches. Many takes were ruined by crew members laughing and the Director of Photography said we could have sold tickets.
and now some crappy phone camera pics from the set:

Continue reading…


Can someone help me understand myself?

I have always been anti-smoking. My mom has smoked for pretty much my entire life and I always hated it. Hated the smell. Hated that I seem to be extra sensitive to smoke. The slightest whiff, even from quite some distance can choke me up. For example, tonight, several people were smoking on the balcony with the door open and I had to close my bedroom door because I could smell it. Of course there’s also the extreme amount of money smokers spend and the whole issue of supporting the evil tobacco companies and plenty of other rational arguments that could be made even if you’re one of the people who believes that there is no scientific evidence that smoking is linked to health problems, but that’s a whole other subject and I don’t want to start that debate here. My issue is more personal.
The part I don’t understand is my own vehement reaction to it. With everything going on with Jess, I think one of things that hurts the most is that she has started smoking again. She smoked before I knew her but had quit before we met. The fact that it even registers on my radar sounds ridiculous even to me. Why do I care so much? Why is it such a big deal? Why is it so important to me that my loved ones not smoke? I feel the same sense of hurt and distance when Larry occasionally smokes too. Now don’t get me wrong, I know that no one is doing it to be hurtful or anything. I just don’t understand why it means so much to me. The first time I saw jess light up on our balcony, let’s just say my reaction was completely and irrationally emotional. Maybe because of our separation my subconscious read more into it like because she knows how much it means to me maybe I stupidly saw it as a big final “fuck you” which, of course, I know it isn’t. I’m sure we all know the stupid things we can think when we’re emotional.
But the fact is is that is a big deal to me and I don’t know why. I don’t think it’s a judgmental thing, but admittedly I could be wrong. I don’t think any less of her for it and I don’t think I’m better than people who smoke. I really do think it’s more of a connection thing. It makes me feel distant and disconnected and I do legitimately worry about the health of the people I love and supporting the evil empires of tobacco (which ironically is a trait directly instilled in me by Jess). To me it feels like it comes from a place of caring and concern and not a confrontational or judgmental place. I value my connections with people and anything that interfers with those connections bothers me.
I just don’t understand why I feel the way I do. I don’t want it to interfere with my connection. Why can’t I just not care about it? When Larry smokes, I feel down. When Jess smokes it’s of a whole other order of magnitude. It feels like it almost hurts as much as our separation which should be ludicrous! I’m sure there must be some deep subconscious motivation at work here. I just can’t figure out what it is. I’m really trying to be better about this and at least not be judgmental or sanctimonious about my feelings. I’d love to find the root of this and find a way to overcome it.


Does blogging work? It just did!

I’ve seen billboards on the side of the road that say “Does advertising work? It just did!”
Um…no…actually it didn’t. All that means is that my eyes work and I can read. Just because I didn’t avert my eyes from your stupid billboard doesn’t mean I’m going to buy your product or frequent your business, which is more the point of advertising, I would think.
And with this post, we begin NaBloPoMo!


So I do have some semblance of a career!

After all the doom and gloom here I figured I owed it to everyone to share the meager good that comes along with my giant heapin’ o’ bad.
First off I just finished starring in a really fun short film where I feel I did some really great comedic work. It felt good. I think it’s really going to be good and I met a ton of really cool people that I hope I remain friends with. As far as I know I will also be doing a feature film with many of these people in the beginning of next year. Great people, great experience.
Secondly, I just got the checks for my first paying gigs through my agency and they were even more money than I thought I was getting! Almost as much as I used to make in two weeks.
Though it’s hard for me to see anything but the gray haze of doom currently blinding me, I do try and take time to recognize and be thankful for all the wonderful things bestowed upon my life.


I now have a comment feed

I always wish there were an easy way to keep up with comments on other people’s blogs instead of having to just manually check all their entries to see if there’s any new comments (which is the case for most blogs). For a long time I used a plugin which allowed people to sign up for email comment notification but I think pretty much only Jess and I used that.
Therefore I now have a comments feed as well as an entries feed over on the left there. Use your favorite newsreader (I use Google Reader) to keep up with new comments posted here. It’s all new to me so I’m not sure exactly how it’s going to work but hopefully any time a new comment is posted you will see it in your newsreader.



When I’m at my lowest points (such as now) and have all these pessimistic negative feelings, I don’t know what to do with them. I decided that I don’t feel comfortable expressing them here for various reasons, I can’t talk to Jess about them, and talking to anyone else doesn’t seem to really help all that much. This makes being caught between the Scylla and Charybdis seem like an appealing vacation idea.