[radio voice] And we’re baaaack! [/radio voice]

So as most of you probably gathered from Jess’ posts, we’re back from our 2005 UK extravaganza. It was fun but exhausting as usual. I always need a vacation after my vacations to just sit back, do nothing and recover.

I think Jess and I have both been pretty drained since getting back, thus my lack of blogging. I knew she was going to cover the travel details and I’ve just been in one of those cyclical states of ennui. I love that word. It’s just so apt for what it means. I always have to say it with a slightly French accent and as little energy and enthusiasm as I can. I practically feel the beret on my head and pencil thin mustache on my lip.
I’m in another one of those states that comes along every so often where I just feel the frustration of where I am in relation to my “hopes and dreams™.” The times when that blind ambition of youth starts to fade and you really start to wonder if you should let it all go and forget about it. I’ve written about all this many times before and this will probably be the same old broken whiny record that plays in heavy rotation around here. Top of the hour! Time for Heath’s classic “Frustration with Life #1!”
The very fabric of my being knows that I should be making my living in the music/acing business. Playing guitar for various people, producing, writing, recording, starring in films, doing voiceover work, etc. There are so many channels which I feel completely in tune with and yet I’m not even close to any of them. Not that I really do a lot to change that, but also don’t know much more I can do. Coordinating all these desires with a “real life” is difficult.
That’s one of my main problems though; when facing extreme adversity I tend to crumble like a cookie and shut down instead of getting my ass in gear and doing something about it. Not always, but in this particular instance it’s just a floundering of “where do I begin?”
A few recent agitators:
We watched “Overnight”, the story of the rise and fall of Troy Duffy. He was a bartender who had a screenplay bought and basically was on a fast track to being a big shot practically overnight. Unfortunately he was a completely self-absorbed, egotistic prick and it all fell apart and blew up in his face as fast as it all had come to him and the whole process was documented on film. This film was riveting as you watch all this real footage of this guy and his associates. You see the entire process unfold over several years from beginning to end.
Now in my opinion this movie will most likely have one of two effects on anyone with aspirations of working in show business. You may walk away thinking that maybe this violent soulless machine known as Hollywood is not something you want to be a part of after all. Then there was my reaction: I thought that if I ever got a chance like that, akin to winning the lottery, that it would be different for me because I like to think that my personality and interpersonal (or “schmoozing”) skills are one of my strong points. People would want to work with me. I wouldn’t fuck it all up by being a complete idiot.
Now I know damn well that this is a bit of blind optimism and egotism and I think you have to have some degree of this to stand a chance of doing most of the things I want to do. Throughout the film I still envied this guy even when all his dreams were going down the toilet because I was so sure it would have been different if it were me.
Agitator #2
Living in Austin, you are surrounded by the music world. There are constantly musicians playing live in the radio, shows going on, and stories about the “Live Music Capital of the World.” There are a lot of people who make their living playing music or other music related jobs. I am not one of them. I am not “in the loop” or “on the radar” or even in sight of a loop or a radar.
There are a lot of people who make their living in the film industry here. We are the “third coast” of film making. I see a lot of the same people anytime I get to do some “extra” work on films here. Again, not me. I’m not on the ladder. I don’t even know where the shed is in which they keep the ladder.
Agitator #3
A co-worker has a really great deep voice and has always been told he should be in radio or voice work. One of my other co-workers constantly brings this up to him and tries to help him get on his way to at least making a demo, getting in touch with someone, etc. This conversation was going on yesterday and just reminded me of that are of my aspirations. See comments above regarding loops, radars and ladders.
The most frustrating part is that frustration compounds itself like a feedback loop. It just makes it that much harder to think and figure out what to do and take some step in some direction. Just sorting my thoughts out enough to write this was very difficult. If you’ve made it this far, I commend you and will buy you a drink or snack of your choice when we next meet.
So as I was saying, we’re back. Aren’t you glad I got around to bloggin now? 😉
[sound of record pops as the needle sits on the inner groove of the finished record]