I realize that I am extremely erratic at blogging, and that because of this the tiny group of people who may occasionally grace me with their presence here, probably get tired of not having new content, and thus quit coming here at all. This entry probably won’t help because it’s just random ramblings. Well, hey, look at the title of this page. You can’t say I didn’t warn you. πŸ˜‰
I feel like I am naturally a very distant person, I have decided. With this whole, WD, internet friends/community thing, etc., I feel very much like a distant observer. Take my wife for instance (well don’t TAKE her, but you know…), I feel like people genuinely like her, miss her, want to see her, be friends with her, etc. I always feel like I’m kind of a fringe or periphery entity. Most people generally like me, or think I’m ok, or when I’m mentioned they think “Yeah, he’s pretty cool”, but I don’t feel like most people have or desire a connection of any real depth with me. People don’t generally “wish I was there” when I’m not. I basically feel like I’m slightly on the positive side of “neither here nor there” for the vast majority of people who are aware of my existence. Although I am very self conscious and worried that people think I’m creepy or make them uncomfortable sometimes, even though I’m usually pretty sure that’s just my own mind being goofy.
I think part of this distance is self perpetuating, because since I always generally doubt that someone likes me (in all instances not just internet related ones), I kind of create my own distance too because I really don’t want to bother people. I realized today that I’m much more comfortable with e-mail than with chat IM programs because when you send an e-mail, that person can reply at their leisure or not as they choose, while when I IM someone I always feel like I’ve put them on the spot.
This brings to me to a related tangent. I can’t remember if I’ve bitched about it before in this medium, but never the less I’m going to bitch about it anyway. Many times throughout the years I have made many efforts to find old friends or people who used to be a part of my life in some way. Old high school friends and such. I get in touch with them, and there’s the usual exchange of “Oh wow!”s and greetings, and then almost without fail that person makes no real effort to stay in touch. They’ll respond to my emails (usually) but never really make any effort of their own, thus contributing to the ongoing neurosis my life, the “I always like people much more than they like me” syndrome. It’s such a let down because I’m always so absolutely thrilled to be back in touch with these people. I’m someone who values my friendships dearly, and while I never really have tons of close friends (usually I have tons of acquaintances, with a handful of really close friends), I treasure my relationships dearly. Everyone I’ve ever met or known is at least partially responsible for shaping me into who I am today, and I’m always so thrilled to rekindle old friendships, but then it always leads to that inevitable crestfallen moment when you realize that apparently the other party must not have been nearly as thrilled as you were. Perhaps I’m just a nostalgic romantic dreamer at heart, (ok, well not perhaps, pretty definitely), but it never fails to leave me with that feeling that a little bit of the starry eyed magic of my youth has died. Like I’ve lost some of my kindred to the listless zombie like template of “growing up”, while I remain one of the last champions of the child-at-heart, anything’s-possible, keep-hope-alive, fairytale-dreamers faction. If anyone needs me I’ll be staring off into the sky, soaking up the energy to combat the weariness and continue fighting for the cause and fending off the weight of the world. Hmm, reminds me of a song… “You can’t take the sky from me…” heh heh. πŸ˜‰