We were out celebrating a friend’s birthday when I heard one of the funniest kid-related stories ever. It probably will not translate as well in text form since the delivery of the story is what really sold it, but I have to relate it anyway.


This married couple was regaling us with hilarious anecdotes about their son. The wife told of this particular incident when the husband was teaching the recently potty trained son how to properly put on underwear. Things like “The flap goes in the front, and the tag goes in the back.” Apparently their son gets really excited about things very easily in a way that resembles a football player getting psyched up before a play. For example, the wife said you could get this effect by saying something as simple as “O.K., we’re going get up and go over there now!” and the son would react like the previously mentioned psyched up football player, “Yeah! Alright!”
So here were father and son getting dressed together learning the lessons of underwear installation when the son says, “Dad, when I grow up I’m gonna have BIG FEET, just like you!”
The father smiled and replied “Yeah you sure will!”
“And Dad, when I grow up I’m gonna have a BIG PENIS just like you!”
Naturally the father was a bit surprised by this and yet also filled with pride, laughing and grinning with through a testosterone haze.
“Yeah alright! You sure will!”
Now worked up to that level of excitement and enthusiasm that football players have just before they break the huddle to go form up for the crucial win it or lose it play of the game, the son said “And Dad, when I grow up I’m gonna have a BEARD!
…ON MY PENIS!”
This had me as near to literally ROFL as a person can come.
Story number 2:
The son had asked his mom if he could have one of Daddy’s “blue cokes”. In the refrigerator they have the cokes right next to Daddy’s beer, which apparently are in some kind of blueish can.
Mommy said “No, those are daddy’s beers and their just for adults.”
The next night the father and son were alone at home when the father hears his son call from the kitchen “Hey Dad, do you want a beer?”
The father is a bit puzzled and replies “No, bud, I’m good. Thanks!”
“Alright. Mind if I have one?” comes the call from the kitchen.
“No, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“O.K. Well I’ll just leave one on the counter in case you need it.”
On a tangent:
The late Mitch Hedberg seems to inhabit my mind a lot. I had two distinct Mitch moments that night.
At one point Jess asked me if I had a 10 dollar bill. I said “No, but I’ve got two fives…and a seven.”
After a brief pause to laugh at myself I then spouted out, “Where the fuck did you get that banana?” which, of course, was a perfectly logical segue way in my mind, but my wife was quite justifiably baffled.
You see, Mitch had this bit:

“On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On a banana, it’s just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where the fuck did you get that banana?”

So in my mind having a seven dollar bill equated to having a red banana.
My other Mitch moment was when I randomly blurted out “If everyone had their own theme song, the world would be fucking loud as shit!” which was delivered in a very Mitch style and seemed like a very Mitch-like thing to say.