It all started with this entry and, of course, its accompanying haiku.Then tonight, I was watching Saturday Night Live and there was a skit about a group of friends who keep getting together for a series of funerals as they each die in various ways. In one part Amy Poehler turned to her boyfriend in the skit and said “Oh, Heath!” In the next part when they’re all at his funeral she explains “we were making love and he had a stroke.”
Coincidence? I think not! Amy Poehler totally wants me.
In other conspiracy news, when we were finished watching “Threshold” tonight I proclaimed “Alien conspiracy? Alright. Alien audio signal able to alter human DNA? Alright. Last minute plane ticket which was transferrable? I don’t think so!”
09
Oct
2005
21:46
I had this whole theory worked out where you and Amy Poehler could be together and I could be with Will Arnett and somehow Jess and Will wouldn’t be upset. But I seem to have forgotten how I had it figured.
NO!!! You leave my alternate universe girlfriend alone! I’ll fight you! And I WILL LOSE. You will kick my ass and leave me broken and crying in puddles of my own blood and probably urine. I will require months of hospitalized rehabilitation and may never be able to use my legs again (not because they won’t work, I just don’t feel like getting up). Amy will then hate you because you’re a big bully, and she will spend the next several years in hopeless futility attempting to lift me from my depressive, destructive downward spiral of doubt and self-loathing. It will take the combined efforts of several caring friends and relatives to convince her that I will never be the man she wants me to be and that I am just dragging her down. With great regret and sorrow she’ll leave me to find a better life, but she won’t cry- she’ll have used all her tears on me by then.
But you can have her after that.
You’d better stick with me; I’m not a good enough shag to give you a stroke. 😉