The nerve rack
Lately I’ve been feeling kind of like my nervous system has been put on one of those medieval torture devices known as The Rack, and ratcheted up just a few notches. There’s sort of this constant slightly raised level of stress permeating my life. It’s mostly to do with the whole condo thing and the realization that it seems like we will never have any money ever again. The monetary freedom we’ve grown accustomed to will have to be greatly reigned in. I’m sure this will settle down a bit once we’re moved in, Jess has a job and we have gone through several months of the new budget and become accustomed to its fit, but it still scares me and stresses me a bit. My mind goes over everything from the necessary (doctor’s appointments, house/car repairs that may come up, etc.) to the leisurely (musical instrument related purchases and maintenance, computer upgrades, FUN).
Then there’s the whole Jess’s job thing which is a separate dilemma altogether. I so want her to work at the same company as I do because it’s a cool place, but the pay sucks. There is always the hope that she would eventually move onto to bigger and better things within the company, but that’s only a hope, and one that probably wouldn’t even have a chance of becoming reality for at least a year (no particular reason other than job loyalty and just a random estimation). She could very well be offered some other jobs more in line with her skills which actually pay real money too. If this situation arises, which route should she take? I honestly don’t know.
Then there’s the constant and ever ongoing saga of my creative pursuits, or more in line with reality, the lack thereof and my ever fading dreams fed by laziness and the worry that I’m entrenching myself more and more firmly into “the big machine.” There are people I know and admire who have done and are doing admirable things with their lives. I am not one of those people. I’m not really in a position where I can or even desire to “pay my dues” any more (I say that, but if the right opportunity just landed in my lap, that might change).
In the words of one of the greatest (and under-appreciated) bands of all time:
“All I want is Everything”