When I’m at my lowest points (such as now) and have all these pessimistic negative feelings, I don’t know what to do with them. I decided that I don’t feel comfortable expressing them here for various reasons, I can’t talk to Jess about them, and talking to anyone else doesn’t seem to really help all that much. This makes being caught between the Scylla and Charybdis seem like an appealing vacation idea.
Category: The Cheese Shoppe
I’ve avoided making this entry for a long time. Why I’m not sure. I guess for one I didn’t really want to talk about it. Also I didn’t really know if it was just a temporary thing or not.
Jess and I are separated. Have been for a few weeks now. We’d talked long and hard about it before coming to this resolution. There was no one thing, no big blow up, no cheating, no drama, no single event that brought this on. I do however think that while it was mutual, it’s mostly me who broke it. I don’t like it, I’m not happy about it. I think the separation has had the opposite effect on each of us. It’s pushed me more toward wanting to work things out and pushed her further toward thinking that life apart is the way to go. She’s moved on, written “The End” and closed the book. I think we’ve both moved 180 degrees and completely swapped places. At least I can’t help but laugh at the karmic irony.
That is all. Just thought I should let anyone know who didn’t already. Thank you all in advance for the sentiments but I don’t need words of comfort, as there is none to be had. If anyone still reads this blog anyway, I know you all care. Thank you.
MIA: One Joie de Vivre. Yesterday I did nothing. I’ve been working twelve hour days, and some weekend time for the last several weeks. Doing not much more than working and sleeping, usually having time to watch one TV show with Jess before bed. Initially we thought we were going to have to work Saturday and Sunday so when we got Sunday off, I quite looked forward to just shutting off and becoming a human vegetable for a day which is pretty much what I did.
I have decided that Darin Murphy is my arch-nemesis. Who is Darin Murphy? Ahh, where to start.
Darin Murphy is a professional working musician here in Austin. I actually remember him and his sister Trish Murphy playing around College Station many years ago when I lived there. When I first moved to Austin and started trying to do some freelance work with that studio here writing jingles, I quickly found that there was this little clique of artists who get most of the work there. One of these people was Darin Murphy. As time went on, I heard his name (and that of the others in the elite cadre of musicians) more and more. I would hear him performing on the morning radio show. Then I heard about how he had been cast in the Broadway show, “Lennon” and moved to New York temporarily while he was in the show. It was especially noted that he he was the only person cast who had no acting experience at all, but had still impressed people so much and knew some great contacts. As I read his blog it just depressed me that this guy seemed to have it made. He seemed to be my successful twin. There was definitely a kindred spirit thing there too. A familiarity. I didn’t hate him. On the contrary, I felt like we’d probably be great friends and have a lot in common artistically and personally, but he seemed to be somewhat living the life that I so often feel is missing. He seemed like an alternate me who had usurped one of the better time lines that I could have followed leaving me in this time line disconnected and wanting. He is what I could have been.
As I studied up on my nemesis, I found out that he’s also in a cover band called the K-tel Hit Machine. The other members of the band are those same compadres from the Elite Cadre clique whose names seem to keep wafting into my life like a taunt. The band sounded exactly like something I would be a part of or would have started. I heard them on the radio this morning. They were awesome. I hate them.
Darin Murphy has stolen my soul. While he isn’t necessarily living my dream life 100%, he’s living what I see as a most realistic version of what could be a point in my journey to my life’s ultimate destination. He’s like my doppelganger living a version of my life that I’ve yearned for. This is the stuff comic book villains are made of. I don’t really hate him, of course. I envy and respect him, but it’s much more fun to blow it up into some mythical duality where he’s somehow cosmically stolen my life and therefore he is my arch-nemesis. I seem to constantly be taunted by references and allusions to this whole musical league of super heroes, and with each occurrence, the wind is sucked out of my sails.
He lives the life while I do what I’ve always done…dream.
For the record, while I’m a bit grumpy and misanthropic today, this post probably sounds much more gloomy than I actually feel. Just a heads up that in reality I’m doing pretty damn good, and am not in some kind of deep funk or anything.
I realized today that I hate people. This includes most of my friends who I really like. I hate them too. They’re all annoying. Let me ‘splain.
Most of our friends fall into at least one if not several of the following categories:
- Have or are having children
- Are impossible to get a hold of
- Have their lives dictated by other people
- Are so hard to coordinate any time with that launching a space shuttle or getting a bill through congress look easy by comparison
- Live or are going to live very far away (very far ranging from 30 minutes to another country)
- A litany of other self absorbed selfish gripes
Take my cousin for example (as a complete side note, I absolutely can not write “cousin” without writing “cousing” and then correcting it).
Now I only use him as an example because a)he illustrates many of my points, b) he is the most amusing example, and c) I don’t think he ever reads this. So this not to pick on him, just to illustrate my point.
He has always been like a brother to me and is one of my favorite people in the world to hang out with. I thought it would be so great when we moved to Austin because then I’d get to see him all the time! The first barrier to this is getting a hold of him. It is such a farce that we’ve come to call it the “Casey lottery”. If we do actually reach him we jump and yell and celebrate winning the Casey Lottery. As you could probably guess, Casey does not have a cell phone, nor does he want one, and in fact is vehemently against owning one, bu that’s another story.
The strangest part of the fact that he is never home is that when we do see him he usually can’t ever stay away from home for very long because he has to get back to take care of his pets. This makes any kind of trip out of town next to impossible. There is a whole sub-irony to that fact due to how often he is watching other friend’s pets for them while their gone (which seems very often), so you would think he’d have a plethora of people willing to do the same. He can’t ever leave home for too long, and yet he’s never home. It’s a mystery/enigma burrito. Of course we often hear about other trips he took to camping or go out of town with other friends, so that pretty much leaves the option that he hates us.
If you do manage to get a hold of him, finding a time to actually do anything with him is a whole other hurdle. Even if we manage to get together with him for some particular purpose (like filming part of our movie yesterday), as soon as business is done he usually has to go. He’s tired. He has to wash clothes. He has to go kick his dog. Again, leading to the inevitable conclusion that he hates us.
Another big part of his presence being as common as ice skating on the river Styx is the fact that he is very popular and unfortunately has many friends who are extremely demanding, guilt trippy and far more aggressive and effective than we are at grabbing his time. He’s obviously hanging out somewhere all the time, but it’s not with us, nor are we ever invited. There’s this whole separate group of friends who we know and like, yet can’t crack into ourselves. It’s the secret Casey society, and we don’t know the handshake.
There was a time when I thought we would make the greatest roommates ever. At one point I proposed this to him since he lived in a three bedroom house all by himself, and he very politely shot me down saying he was enjoying living by himself for the time in his life. That was fair enough actually, but it was kind of the crushing blow that made realize the cold hard truth: My high regard and brotherly affection for my cousin was not a two way street.
This is an important fact. Important because it is a recurring theme in my life. Whenever there is someone I really want to be good friends with, it is rarely ever reciprocated. I’ve written before about being so excited to find old friends and wanting to strike up th old friendship only to be met but polite indifference and only when I initiate contact.
I have decided this must be Karma. Karma because I, in fact, am a totally crap friend. I suck at keeping in touch with people, and have let more great friendships fall by the wayside than some people ever have. So I guess it’s only right that the people who I really want to hang out with and get to know better, or foster real lasting friendships with don’t always feel the same way. It was quite a realization to me. If you believe in anything like karma then it really does fit.
Thus I have become a huge misanthrope and it only seems to get worse as I get older. People are annoying. Even my friends. They probably say the same about me.
“Outlook not so good”
As you may remember, I have some friends who work for a company that I really want to work for, in a department that I really would like to work in, in a career and industry that I would absolutely love to pursue. There were some job openings, and after hearing that I had applied, they put in a word for me to try and get me an interview. A few weeks went by, and I made a follow up inquiry, and they thought they might start interviewing in the next couple of weeks, and that I was on the list to be interviewed as far as they knew. About a month later I made another inquiry and found out interviews had been going on. They went and talked to their manager only to find out that he had forgotten I was a recommendation, and that I did not make the cut to be interviewed due to my total lack of industry experience, and the fact that another company had recently gone away and thus flooded the market with experienced folk.
This has hit me quite hard, even though I was trying not to get my hopes up. I feel absolutely gutted, and pretty much on the verge of tears all day. I feel totally trapped in a job I hate, with no foreseeable future other than going from one unpleasant job to another, forever slaving for the man due to the fact that regardless of what skills I possess, I don’t have anything to really show or prove that I am qualified for anything.
I am quite taken aback at how hard this has hit me. I didn’t realize how tight I was clinging to this hope to keep me afloat, and now that’s gone, and I don’t really have anything to cling to now. Just a general grayness overlaying everything I see now. I’m sure it will pass, but this is the worst I’ve felt in a long time. I hate wallowing in self-pity, and it bothers me when other people do it, and yet I can’t shake the funk. I see no light to look forward to at the moment.
Boo. Boo, I say. Cheery post, eh?
So some friends of mine are putting in a good word for me at a company that I’ve wanted to work for since I moved here. As far as “jobs” go it would be about as good as they come. In fact it would be one of the jobs I have been actively pursuing. However, something dawned on me last night that is also kind of scary. If I did end up getting this job, I would not want to leave it. That sounds like a good thing, I’m sure, and it is in many ways. However that puts a scary angle on my acting/film crew/music work. If some opportunity arose, I would not leave my job to pursue it unless it was a proverbial “big break”. If I got some kind of offer for a month long PA job, acting job, music tour, etc., I couldn’t take it because I sure wouldn’t quit such a great job for a temporary gamble.
So this raises the question, “Which is more of a prison: a job you hate or a job you love?”
Now to be fair, I would still pursue it all to the best of my abilities and work around my job as much as I could, while also being far happier at my job and outside of it, but still it’s a scary prospect in some ways. Considering I haven’t even had an interview yet, I realize this is putting the cart before the horse, as it were, but I’m a ponderous guy.
Because life likes to taunt us, I received a call to be a PA on a VH1 show filming for 5 days here. Well, not only would I have to quit my job to do it, but I have a band gig one of those days, so I couldn’t do it no matter what.
Don’t you hate when Opportunity knocks and you have to tell it “Sod off you bloomin’ Opportunity! I’m not home!” and then Opportunity goes next door, and you hear it having tons of fun with your neighbors as they drink and yell, and scream bad songs together (although they erroneously sing “fire all of your guns at horses” during “Born to be Wild”), and then Opportunity is like “Yo dudes! We’re out of queso! Let’s hit the store!” and they all pile into someone’s car with the stereo cranked through the crappy car speakers, and screech off down the road to get more queso, and other party supplies, and you go to sleep grumbling under your covers until you are awakened by Opportunity and your drunk neighbors bellowing more hits from the 80’s as they come back from the store and order a pizza just as the pizza place is about to close (but it’s O.K., they tip the driver very nicely) and you eventually manage to tune out the euphoria and get a few winks because you have to work your crappy job the next morning and as you leave for work you see through the bay window that Opportunity and everyone are crashed out on the couches and floors amidst pizza boxes, queso stained upholstery, Queen albums, and swim suits (from the sojourns in the jacuzzi), but it’s all O.K. because you have your red stapler.
Not the good kind. Not as in “We want the funk. Gotta have the funk.” Funk as in, I’m in one. I can’t shake it. Yes this is yet another entry of Heath whines about his dissatisfaction with life in general, so feel free to move on to more enlightening reading.
The usual stuff. Job is miserable. Which generally makes it hard to really enjoy anything even when you’re not at work. I’ve come to the realization that even if I get a better job, I’m just trading one prison for a more comfy and acceptable prison where you can at least enjoy your life outside of prison. However, it would still pretty much prevent me from really pursuing the things I want to be doing. It would still be a step up though.
I kinda feel like maybe my moment has passed. I’m too entrenched in the machine of life to break out and do what I want to do. Time to wrap up the dreams in a shoebox and put them in the closet with old photos and such. Perhaps I’ve dabbled in too many things and mastered none. I just don’t feel like there’s any chance of doing any of the 100 things I want to do barring some random chance at life’s lottery.
As much as I love Austin, I still think that if I really wanted any chance of acting, voice acting, or film crew careers I would have to go to L.A. Take, for example, this excerpt from voice acting 101:
Equally important is that you really should live where the jobs are; in North America, this means Los Angeles, where most of the cartoon voice work is cast and recorded. Some actors such as David Kaye and Stephanie Morganstern are based in Canada, but they are exceptions. No one will hire you if you live in New Jersey or Texas, no matter how talented you are. When a casting call comes, you need to be there, sometimes within the hour.
I feel like I need to get to a destination that’s 5000 miles away with no vehicle, no maps, and no clue.
Ahh, enough whining for now. Trying to corral my personal mental Charybdis and put it into words just ends up as a rambly mess. I just feel bad that my frustration, and moreso my current job prevents me from really enjoying anything anymore. I have a great wife, and want to be able to not be a big bummer around her. I hate that she has to suffer due to my frustration.
Two weeks of great fun and vacation really makes you realize how much you hate your job when you come back.