Cerebral Flotsam And Jetsam - My Mental Maelstrom

02
Oct
2024
18:13

Dream Theatre 82 and 83

In the first dream, I had walked into some house for some reason I can’t remember. To my surprise, I found a party going on hosted by my friend Esteban who live outside of Dallas. He and I were inseparable best friends and later roommates in the late 90s but haven’t been in touch very often in recent years.

I was shocked that he was in town, much less hosting a party and that he hadn’t invited me or been in contact in any way. We got to talking and he was staying at this place while he was in town working on some movie or TV show. This was also surprising as he had never been involved in the entertainment industry in any way. He reveled that because I never really contact him much these days, I’m not really a great friend so he decided not to contact me. He had sort of just stumbled into some pretty high profile producer type jobs in recent years but on this one he was doing some grip work of some kind. Maybe Key Grip.

In my later dream, I was hosting Stella Cole, a singer I know from Tik Tok who is now on tour and pretty popular for singing in a very classic/jazz retro style. I was showing her around town, driving her around, going out to eat, etc. It was some kind of event such as SXSW or something similar. I believe there was also some romantic vibes, and look before anyone jumps on me about her being too young, I don’t control my dreams and she’s talented, pretty, and has a great voice and smile so give my brain a break, will ya?

22
Aug
2024
0:07

Mrs. Riley

For some reason I found myself thinking about my favorite teacher, Cindy Riley. Mrs. Riley was my eighth grade English teacher. This was a “gifted and talented” English class (or maybe it was “honors” or “advanced,” I can’t remember which term was in use that year) which meant we focused less on the technical grammar stuff (though still present, obviously) and more on creativity. I remember when she played us “Piano Man” by Billy Joel and we analyzed the lyrics and the poetic and storytelling style. I also remember how I was really into Billy Joel’s “The Stranger,” “52nd Street,” and “Glass Houses” albums, and his voice on “Piano Man” is quite different from those later albums to the point that I though it was playing too fast and pitching his voice up.

It was the class where I learned about Edgar Allen Poe and that I really liked him. And that he really liked the word “bosom.” Seriously. It’s strangely frequent in his works.

It was the class where, instead of “journal entries,” she let me and my best friend since 4th grade, Andy Hunter, turn in cassettes of our silly songs and skits. Andy is still one of my best friends and creative collaborators today which is so amazingly cool. We’ve released songs together. I’ve narrated 4 audiobooks of his works so far. I think that would all make Mrs. Riley smile.

It’s the only class that I really specifically remember all these years later. She was a shining example of what a teacher should be and I have to wonder how many other stories like mine are out there from all her years teaching since. So here’s to Mrs. Riley, who I hope is still leaving lifelong lasting impacts on young minds. I’m certainly a better and more creative person for having had her class.

22
Jul
2024
22:29

Hidden Lessons

I have a weirdly deep sense of loyalty. Even to stupid trivial things. I’m also a sucker for “streaks” which is why so many apps use them. For example, I started meditating in 2014 and started using the “Insight Timer” app. I currently have a 3691 day streak of meditating. In 2019 when I came back from 7 months on the cruise ship, I learned TM (Transcendental Meditation). Since then I still used Insight Timer to time my mediations. I just learned yesterday that TM now has it’s own official app. I downloaded it as there is exclusive “refresher” videos and such only available on the app (and only available if you’ve paid in the past to take the TM course). You can also get one on one free refreshers with a local instructor any time you want after you’ve taken the course but being able to do it in app appealed to me as well as having a TM specific timer/calendar/streak etc. all in the TM app.

But part of me feels this loyalty to Insight Timer. And if I switch, I’ll lose my streak and start over! Now another part of me thinks “So? Why does that matter?” Good question, me. It really doesn’t. Is that some weird ego feeding thing that it would actually be GOOD for me to let go of? Why should it matter that I have a 10 year history with an app? It’s just a meditation timer. I feel like there’s deeper lessons in this seemingly trivial situation.

16
Jul
2024
22:32

Dream Theatre 81

Last night I dreamt that I had just freshly broken up with my last girlfriend and my mom was counseling me to not make the same mistakes she had made. She told me that when she and my dad broke up, she had got a job at the same lab where he worked to have a legitimate excuse to be around him (as far as I know this is complete dream fiction and my dad never worked at any lab nor did my mom ever take any such actions).

12
May
2024
20:00

Presence Vs. Nostalgia

I’m a big fan of Eckhart Tolle. As someone who is spiritual but not religious, his books are the closest thing to religion I’ve ever found. They just resonated with me on the deepest levels. I definitely think presence is the goal and the secret to truly being happy.

However I am also very nostalgic which I feel is directly at odds with this. I spend so much thought time in the past. Missing people, places, and experiences I’ve had. I don’t know that it really serves any good purpose other than possibly fueling some great art. It feels like a weight though. When you are nostalgic, the longer you live, the more weight you carry. One thing I came to terms with after years in therapy however is that part of me enjoys it on some level. I’m someone who loves to feel and the past is a quick and easy fix to feel some intense feelings. I’ve definitely strengthened my presence muscle over the years, but the nostalgia muscle is already very developed.

10
May
2024
22:53

Another Day

Each night though I am eager to race to bed, I stubbornly resist sleep.
That sweet purgatory, the void space where you have ended the day officially, but unofficially, you squeeze every last moment from it just for yourself.
Tomorrow holds such promise. Tabula rasa. A clean slate. New beginnings.
But then tomorrow becomes just another today, and nothing changes.
The same struggles. The same weights. The same.
You hope for some magical change like a gift from the universe, but it has not come.
Change is hard and must be wrestled from the aether.
Tonight we sleep. Tomorrow we try again.

13
Apr
2024
17:21

Dream Theatre 80

In this dream I think I was in a car with someone who I had romantic feelings for (a fictional person). I was pretty sure they were reciprocated but nothing had ever been explicitly said or acted upon. For some reason we were in some situation or engaged in some activity that requires us to have our heads very close together. Perhaps listening or watching intently for something. I don’t remember and it just somehow made sense in dreamland. The tension was palpable. We inched closer over time. Eventually my head was resting on her neck and her head rested on mine. Then we looked at each other and after a brief moment, plunged into our first kiss with that wild abandon that only happens with first kisses.

There was such a unique, intense, subtle intimacy to this dream that was way hotter than any sex dream could be.

02
Apr
2024
22:51

The 1st Annual Austin Tribute Band Community Awards

To not bury the lede, today I was voted “Best Multi-Instrumentalist” in the first annual Austin Tribute Band Community awards.

As a member of the Beatles tribute group The Eggmen, we also won Best One-Off Show for our show where we played the entire albums of A Hard Day’s Night and Abbey Road, and we were also voted into the Hall Of Fame.

Amusingly, I was not visible in either photo because in one I was behind someone else, and the other was taken before I joined full-time. I say amusingly because there’s a joke among keyboard players that we are never in photos. We always end up getting cropped out, obscured, or otherwise forgotten. It doesn’t actually bother me but I do find it funny and weird how true it often is!

These awards were started because the hugely popular Austin Chronicle music awards made the bad decision (in my opinion) to remove cover and tribute bands from the categories. If you are one of those cover/tribute band snobs, don’t even bother commenting as it will be deleted. It just shows you know nothing. The most talented musicians I’ve ever known throughout my life all play covers as well in addition to whatever other projects they have going. Most make the bulk of their living from cover music and only a very tiny, lucky fraction get to a place where they can make a living from original music. Most big bands like The Beatles started playing mostly covers if not all covers.

First and foremost, let me say how immensely grateful I am to be recognized at all and for everyone who took the time and effort to go fill out the form and vote. It really does mean a lot to me and please don’t let any of what follows undermine that very important point. I say that because I have a very complicated relationship with awards “competitions.” I always have. Not just this one. The main reason being that for every one person who is ultimately lifted up, there are countless people who end up feeling kind of bummed, “less than,” not-enough, unappreciated, or unrecognized and that’s a bummer to me. Being an artist of any sort is a very difficult life and I know how it feels to feel unseen or underappreciated. It probably doesn’t help that a LOT of us (maybe even most of us) suffer from imposter syndrome quite a lot!

Competitions such as this one can be extra frustrating in that they are purely by popular vote. No panel of industry judges, or academy or anything, although the ATBC is looking to remedy that next year with a combination of popular vote and industry experts as well. So it mainly just ends up being who can get the most people to go vote. Who has the largest base? Who is going to campaign and hustle and try to rally them to go vote?

This is where it gets complicated on a more personal level as well for me. I’ve been lucky enough to have a handful of videos go viral on Instagram and Tik Tok. This led to an influx of followers, so unlike most people I had a potential audience of 90K people on IG and 144K on TT (though as most people will tell you, you generally only reach a very infinitesimal fraction of those people). I am also someone who is very active on social media. In a contest where it’s purely about hustling voters to the poll, these things give me an edge. Now, the other side of that is that hopefully these people don’t just go blindly vote for me because I said so, but because they’ve seen all my various videos playing various instruments and singing so it’s not necessarily unearned in any, I just have the luxury of more resources and greater reach. There were many other nominees who I know to be some of the most amazing musicians I’ve ever seen, much less played with. Some of them weren’t even aware of this competition at all. Some of them got nominations but don’t live online all the time of have a huge audience to tell to go vote. I’m bummed for my friends who didn’t win or weren’t even nominated because I’m their biggest fan and think they absolutely deserve the recognition but hey that’s just not possible in awards competitions.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve always said that you absolutely should enjoy any kudos that come your way when they come. Enjoy that moment in the sun. Just don’t let it, or that lack of it define you or your validation. I can 100% guarantee you that there’s many folks out there you’ve never heard of (or maybe even you) who are light years beyond me on every instrument I play. My motto that I’ve repeated many times in life is “Keep your head down and do good work.” Do it for the journey, not the destination. Not the awards, not the praise. I will enjoy this moment in the spotlight, but I also enjoy it because I didn’t do it by myself. It took all of you as well, and I’d go so far as to say, your part in it was way more important than mine. I didn’t think I stood a chance. If you voted for me, I do not take that lightly and I do fully think about and appreciate each and every person who thought enough about me to do that. It’s not for me, it’s for us.

30
Mar
2024
14:42

Blogging The Fediverse

I thought I’d test out linking this here old blog to the Fediverse so people can follow it from Mastodon or any of the other Fediverse nodes! Now I’ll be shocked if anyone actually reads this though.

17
Mar
2024
0:05

“Better” Is Out Now!

I dropped a new song tonight!

This year was the first year I watched The Oscars in as long as I can remember and I really enjoyed it. I was particularly happy that “What Was I Made For” by Billie Eilish won Best Song as I thought it was the most powerful. It made me want to write something like that. I took a walk that night and the words started coming to me immediately. I knew I wanted something simple with just piano, vocal, and a string quartet.

I was house/pet sitting for a friend so when I got back to the house, I sat down at the piano there which was a bit out of tune and had some dampers that didn’t work. At first “What Was I Made For” was stuck in my head and I was having a hard time getting away from it to write something original, but enough experimenting finally got me there. Interestingly, my last song, New Year was also written while house/pet sitting for a different friend on the keyboard they had at their house.

I knew I wanted to do something simple not only because of the inspiration of Billie’s song, but also because I knew I had a tendency to feel the need to make things more complicated to try and feel more “musically advanced” or original even though there’s plenty of very simpler songs that I love. So the song is largely one repeating motif with a few variations. Of course me being me, I could just keep it to simple regular chords but had to find interesting voicings and changes. Writing 4 parts for the string quartet (which I played using the BBC Symphony Orchestra plugin from Spitfire) keeps lots of motion and variety in it as well.

Another sort of exercise is that I generally write pretty autobiographically and have always admired songwriters who could write purely fictional “story” songs. So while there’s definitely plenty of elements from my life, I also decided to pay homage to a song written by Elvis Costello and Paul McCartney called “That Day Is Done” where it is eventually revealed that the singer is dead and watching his own funeral. So my bridge was written from the perspective of someone who lived a long happy life but ultimately died alone with no real friends or family. I think the last verse manages to finish on a positive note though.