Control interface
Controlling the digital
Reverse engineer
24
Apr
2021
14:23
Haiku
Firstly a disclaimer. This is just something I need to get out there. I do not want advice. I do not need compliments about how I still look great. I don’t need a lesson in self-acceptance and loving our bodies however they are. I’m pretty sure I’ve said all this before, but it’s on my mind and I just need to brain dump.
Until I was about 18 years old, I was a skinny boy. 30 inch waist. Once I started walking less, driving more, and had my own money to eat however I wanted, things changed. I don’t really remember “getting fat.” I didn’t really notice it. Then one day I was at a costume fitting having my measurements taken and my pants were a 40 inch waist. The costumer was surprised. She said I caried it well. I was surprised too. When and how did that happen? How did I not notice?
I’ve always struggled with food. I generally love unhealthy things, and don’t like a lot of healthy things. I don’t drink, do drugs, or really have many “vices.” Food gives me pleasure. I’m an emotional eater. I also have very poor moderation skills. Pint of ice cream? One serving. Box of cookies? Gallon of ice cream? Box of cereal? They will be gone far too quickly. Fast food? Love it. Too much and too often. Over the years I toyed with the trends. “Fat is bad!” Then later “Carbs are bad!” I slowly gathered more and more knowledge about the stuff we put in our bodies.
Fast forward to 2004. I was married to a vegetarian. For some reason I decided to check out the “South Beach Diet” book I’d been hearing a lot about. It was the first time something really clicked with me. While it was marketed as a “diet” it was really just sound, scientific knowledge about how your body processes the things you put in it. It just made sense. It wasn’t a magic bullet. It was just how bodies work with the fuel they take in. With my wife’s help we started eating on the “South Beach Diet” and I dropped like 60lbs in about 6 months. For the first time in as long as I could remember, I felt like myself. My body just felt right. It moved like it felt it should move. Everything just felt in alignment in a happy, healthy, functioning place.
My wife and I eventually divorced very amicably and mutually, and for a while I stayed the path. I even started doing hot yoga 3-5 times a week. I looked and felt the best I ever had in my life. I’m including photos from that period here for several reasons. Firstly to remember that I have been there before. It’s not an unattainable goal. Second as an example of where my body seems happiest and healthiest. And thirdly as an example of body dysmorphia. At that time when I looked like this, I still felt like I had some flab to lose around my belly. I look at these photos now and think that’s insane. I was described as “skinny.” Someone said I had “A typical Austin cyclist physique. Lean and toned.” I did not see what I really looked like. These are the images that live in my mind and inspire/taunt me.
I want these photos to be inspirational to me. “I did it before! I can get back there!” But truthfully they are kind of depressing. Reminders of what I once was that I now seem completely unable to return to. Evidence of my repeated failed attempts. That person looks and feels like me, and now I’m trapped in a fleshy prison that does not feel like home. Now folks say things like “I though of you for this role! They’re looking for a bigger guy.” I get auditions for “All body types” or “Slightly out of shape” and other showbiz euphemisms for “fat guy.”
There was a clerk at a convenience store that I used to frequent (notice the “used to”). He was always super friendly and I enjoyed our rapport. English was not his first language and while I don’t know what his heritage was, I would guess somewhere in the middle east. I only relate this fact because I don’t know what his culture is or what is deemed “appropriate” for him, and that may possibly have a bearing on the following exchange we had (paraphrased as I don’t remember the exact words and he speaks slightly broken English). Once while ringing me up, he kind of quietly said “Hey can I give you some advice?”
“Sure,” I said.
“Maybe go for a jog every now and then.” I kind of just nodded with a fake smile over my slightly shocked reaction.
“Or maybe, some days just don’t eat anything! Look at me!” He said with a smile indicating that he was a slim-appearing guy. He said all this with warmth and familiarity, not with malice or judgment, but still I was definitely taken aback. I have not been back to that store.
I have all the knowledge. Food is my drug, my addiction, my dopamine. I know all the “tricks.” Small steps that stick. No overnight overhauls that generally don’t. Things get harder as we get older. I don’t shed the weight as easily and quickly as I did before, even in a calorie deficit. Just because something worked for someone else, or even worked for me in the past, doesn’t mean it will work for me now. If one approach repeatedly fails, try another.
But I think that the most important thing is that I don’t ever give up. I don’t ever stop trying. I don’t ever resign myself to just “Accepting that this is me now.” It is on my mind 24/7. I do not like being perceived. I don’t want to be seen. Not a great trait to have as an actor and musician. I don’t move right. I don’t feel right. I don’t look right. I am sometimes exceedingly unkind to myself. There’s one voice in my head that’s a real asshole. But I also try to be kind to myself. We can’t “quit” food. It’s something we have to deal with multiple times every day, and every time it’s a battle. It is by far the most gigantic, looming source or unhappiness in my life. I’m sure it comes across subconsciously in my auditions. People can probably sense the discomfort I have with my own body and appearance.
And I think it’s important to say that we are all individual. Everyone’s body is unique. I am NOT saying “Thinner is better” or anything like that. I simply know where my individual body looks, feels, and functions the best. When I feel the most myself and move with ease. I am so lucky to have a healthy body that does function well, generally and that thus far all my physicals come back with no problems or medications needed. I know that as I age, it becomes more and more important to get this under control. I don’t want to be one of those people who has to have a heart attack to be forced to turn things around.
It has probably been 15 years since I was “happy” with my body and appearance. That’s a really long time. And even then I didn’t know how good I had it. Most people will never know the invisible battles we fight on the daily. But at least I’ll never stop fighting.
I am ecstatic with my new email home, Fastmail. I’ve used Gmail for as long as I can remember. Since I first heard of it. However, I only used it to send and receive mail from my own custom domains, never from my actual Gmail address. I also used it for things like Calendar and YouTube because using those with a non-Gmail address didn’t used to be possible (now you can sign up with Google with your own non-Gmail email address). However, I recently read here that the “send-as” feature would be going away in January 2027 which makes Gmail no longer an option for me. Gmail’s “Send as” alias feature has always been a little janky and become more so over the years. I used to be able to send using Gmail’s SMTP servers but at some point that changed and I had to start using my web host’s SMTP servers. You also had to use “app passwords” with the alias accounts. It always felt a bit forced and cobbled together. So the search began for a new solution. I didn’t mind paying for the right service.
(more…)I just remembered a story from my 6 months as a male singer for a 6 piece “show band” on a cruise ship that I don’t think I’ve ever told.
(more…)When I was a young musician, I used to sit around playing music for hours just for the pure pleasure of it. I wasn’t necessarily learning songs for bands or rehearsing for anything in particular. I just loved learning and playing. Now, somewhere over 40 years into my career, I’m almost always preparing, learning, and rehearsing for various bands and upcoming gigs. However I have recently made sure to keep that perspective and remember that I love doing this. It’s not work or an obligation. It’s not a chore that is keeping me from something else. It is still something I love and enjoy. This perspective is so important and makes all this “homework” so much infinitely more enjoyable.
In today’s nap dream (REPEAT THIS WAS A DREAM):
I was trying to figure out the best way to dispose of a body. I was doing it for $30 for a man who said this person had owed him money and this was also my third time performing this service. I tried to make myself feel better by believing this must have been a bad person involved in crime or something. I had the body mostly covered so I couldn’t see the face, and was trying to cut the head off with a sword, and it was not going well. It was taking many swings. I was also house/pet sitting and trying to figure out what I should do. Bury it in the yard? I considered searching the internet for solutions but thought it best not to have that in my search history. Burying in the yard was a lot of work, and if the (now 3) bodies were discovered they might think that I also was responsible for their deaths. I really wondered why I was doing this for only $30 and was really regretting getting involved in this. Even worse, 3 times.
Then I woke up not very rested.
My new Emerald X20 carbon fiber acoustic guitar arrived on Saturday, and let me not bury the lede, I absolutely love it. The best acoustic I personally have ever played. Now for the longer version.
(more…)I am well and truly SHOCKED (and I’m not just saying that to be “humble”) to not only again be nominated for “Best Multi-instrumentalist” (which I previously won thanks to all of you who voted) but ALSO “Best Male Vocalist” and “Best Performer” in the ATBC Awards. Tons of immensely talented folks in all the categories. I encourage you to go vote for your favorites and support local music and musicians!
FAB!, the Beatles tribute I’m in is also nominated for “Best New Artist”
Yacht Z, the yacht rock band I’m in is nominated for “Best Cover Band” (as well as Skyrocket who I have the pleasure of subbing with occasionally).
I was also in the “Band On The Run” and “Heat of the Moment – ASIA tribute” one-off special projects.
I’m also in several bands with Chris Nine and Matt Patterson who are both nominated as well!
If you’d like to support me, local music in general, or any other of your favorite Austin musicians who are nominated, you can vote here!
Firstly I always though and still think it’s a great song. I grew up in a time when people liked it in earnest and it had not yet become the cliche/punchline that it would become. People actually wanted to hear you play it. I just had the most vague traces a of a memory. I think it was in high school at some point and Eric Taylor (I think) recruited me and Richard Bade to be in a one-off band playing for a school talent show (I think). Eric was a great guitar player and I *think* I was just singing it, a rarity. My 6 month tenure on a cruise ship is the only other time I’ve been a dedicated vocalist who wasn’t also playing an instrument (and a one-off sub gig with Tumbling Dice, a great Rolling Stones tribute). Still a strange feeling to me when I do it. I’m sure there must have been at least one or two other folks involved in that band but I can’t remember who. I also have vague recollections of all kinds of technical snafus wreaking havoc with the one-song performance. It’s all so vague, I can’t swear by any of this. Other than I still think it’s a banger.
Weirdly another musician equipment anxiety dream last night once again starring Skyrocket! In the dream we were playing in an HEB. We got to the song “Der Kommissar” and I realized I hadn’t hooked up my guitar stuff yet so I frantically hooked it up as fast as I could but missed most of the song. Then it was time for “99 Luftballoons” and I started scrolling through keyboard sounds and couldn’t find it. I then realized that though I had recently upgraded, I had brought the old keyboard which didn’t have my sounds (they were both almost identical looking Nords). At break I was very apologetic and feared they would never hire me again. I made plans to just try and do the best with what I had and find sounds that worked.
I’ve been playing bass for 40+ years. A Ric was never particularly on my “wish list” or anything though I knew they were great basses. Over the decades, the more I played and learned about various basses, I started to think a Ric might just be a good fit for me. I finally decided to take the plunge and I am completely sold. I could go on for days about all the things I love. I chose the 4003S because it has a more rounded and comfortable body since it has no binding. The models with binding I find uncomfortable on the right forearm. And also the dot inlays are what McCartney had and we all know I love me some McCartney.
(more…)