Is there anything like that warm feeling cascading across your body? I’d forgotten how much I loved you. I remember how much time we used to spend together and how I looked forward to your every caress. I’m so glad to have rekindled our love.
Yes, I have rediscovered my love. Of a nice hot shower. The water pressure has never been what I’d call “great” in this condo but in the beginning it was certainly adequate. We don’t have individual hot water heaters but instead, a central boiler system for the whole complex. I always liked this as I am a fan of long luxurious showers and I have never run out of hot water here. Then came the infamous “renovation” or “the beginning of the dark times” as the mystical sages call it. And by mystical sages, I mean me. They replaced the old boiler and all the plumbing to every building and suddenly the hot water pressure ranged from a pathetic stream that, if you were lucky, you could kind of use your hands to sadly splash over yourself until you were something that desert nomads might call “wet”, to something I imagine to be “old man with enlarged prostate trying to urinate on you”, or almost non-existent. Like Al Swearengen from “Deadwood” when he has those kidney stones.
Luckily I try to go to yoga 5 times a week and shower there. However there would always, of course, be those occasions where I HAD to shower at home. Maybe I was all sweaty from a gig or or had to shower and shave before a film project or had been making sweet, sweet love down by the fire (O.K., only two of these apply…I’ll let you decide which two). I seriously dreaded any time I had to try and shower at home. The condo management kept suggesting things to check internally but I knew it wasn’t internal. Firstly, everyone was apparently having these problems. Secondly, it was every water source in the condo. Showers, faucets, washing machine intake, etc. Thirdly, it only began after they replaced the boiler and this tells my keen problem solving mind that those these two things are most likely related. (SCIENCE!)
So fast forward a long time. I have no idea how long. Maybe a year. We’ll call it the “Hydropathetic Era”. They bring in a company and pay them lots of money to “descale” the old pipes here which apparently have lots of mineral buildup. The first company sucks and doesn’t have strong enough chemicals to deal with the super minerals here, apparently. Several tenants end up with flooded units. The management fires this company and brings in another highly recommended company who apparently can handle our super tough minerals. The kind of minerals that bully other minerals, take their lunch money and make them pay “protection” fees to Johnny “The Rock” Diamante.(SCIENCE!)
They descale one section. It helps a little but they discover that when the boiler was replaced, management was told by the city they had to have some “backflow valve” on the boiler. Now I know that sounds like some vaguely dirty euphemism, but trust me, it’s not. Well maybe it is now, but it wasn’t in this context. The new descaling company checks into this and finds that was not true. Turns out we didn’t need these valves. Oh and it just so happens that these valves SUCK YOUR WATER PRESSURE LIKE A SUCCUBUS SITTING ON YOUR CHEST FEEDING ON YOUR LIFE FORCE!
Valves are removed and, BAM! WATER PRESSURE IS BACK! So as I’ve been saying since the beginning, it was a problem directly related to replacing the boiler. Ah, but our mystery isn’t over yet. Now I notice a nice increase in water pressure but my shower and the washing machine still seem kind of sucktastic. I decide to remove my shower head and investigate. I find that it’s almost totally clogged with buildup. I had bought a new shower head made for low water pressure so I put that on and find that I have AMAZING PRESSURE! IT’S A REAL SHOWER! It’s like, spraying! With a measurable amount of force! A good amount, in fact! I jumped around my room like Doctor Who after solving a universe saving conundrum. I then pulled my washer out and disconnected the hot water hose to find the same thing. I cleaned the little filter screen of all the buildup and restored full flow to my washer!
I had forgotten how much I used to love showers. They weren’t just for hygiene. I loved to just take my time enjoying the hot water. I took hellaciously long showers. I didn’t realize how Pavlovianly conditioned I’d become to dread showers until now. Now each time I turn on the shower and witness that glorious, forceful spray of hydrogen twins having a three way with that oxygen, I smile and laugh giddily. Today, for the first time in as long as I can remember, I showered just because I could. Because I wanted to. Because I was bored. You’d think someone had installed some wonderful futuristic device in my house with how happy my shower makes me. I have to recondition and re-acclimate myself to life with a working shower at home. Never take your shower for granted, people. Hell, I may have a second shower before this day is done. Maybe I’ll do my best Charlton Heston getting sprayed with that fire hose in “Planet of the Apes” and scream “IT’S A MADHOUSE! A MAAAAAAAAADHOUSE!” That ought to confuse the downstairs neighbor.