Firstly a disclaimer. This is just something I need to get out there. I do not want advice. I do not need compliments about how I still look great. I don’t need a lesson in self-acceptance and loving our bodies however they are. I’m pretty sure I’ve said all this before, but it’s on my mind and I just need to brain dump.
Until I was about 18 years old, I was a skinny boy. 30 inch waist. Once I started walking less, driving more, and had my own money to eat however I wanted, things changed. I don’t really remember “getting fat.” I didn’t really notice it. Then one day I was at a costume fitting having my measurements taken and my pants were a 40 inch waist. The costumer was surprised. She said I caried it well. I was surprised too. When and how did that happen? How did I not notice?
I’ve always struggled with food. I generally love unhealthy things, and don’t like a lot of healthy things. I don’t drink, do drugs, or really have many “vices.” Food gives me pleasure. I’m an emotional eater. I also have very poor moderation skills. Pint of ice cream? One serving. Box of cookies? Gallon of ice cream? Box of cereal? They will be gone far too quickly. Fast food? Love it. Too much and too often. Over the years I toyed with the trends. “Fat is bad!” Then later “Carbs are bad!” I slowly gathered more and more knowledge about the stuff we put in our bodies.
Fast forward to 2004. I was married to a vegetarian. For some reason I decided to check out the “South Beach Diet” book I’d been hearing a lot about. It was the first time something really clicked with me. While it was marketed as a “diet” it was really just sound, scientific knowledge about how your body processes the things you put in it. It just made sense. It wasn’t a magic bullet. It was just how bodies work with the fuel they take in. With my wife’s help we started eating on the “South Beach Diet” and I dropped like 60lbs in about 6 months. For the first time in as long as I could remember, I felt like myself. My body just felt right. It moved like it felt it should move. Everything just felt in alignment in a happy, healthy, functioning place.
My wife and I eventually divorced very amicably and mutually, and for a while I stayed the path. I even started doing hot yoga 3-5 times a week. I looked and felt the best I ever had in my life. I’m including photos from that period here for several reasons. Firstly to remember that I have been there before. It’s not an unattainable goal. Second as an example of where my body seems happiest and healthiest. And thirdly as an example of body dysmorphia. At that time when I looked like this, I still felt like I had some flab to lose around my belly. I look at these photos now and think that’s insane. I was described as “skinny.” Someone said I had “A typical Austin cyclist physique. Lean and toned.” I did not see what I really looked like. These are the images that live in my mind and inspire/taunt me.
I want these photos to be inspirational to me. “I did it before! I can get back there!” But truthfully they are kind of depressing. Reminders of what I once was that I now seem completely unable to return to. Evidence of my repeated failed attempts. That person looks and feels like me, and now I’m trapped in a fleshy prison that does not feel like home. Now folks say things like “I though of you for this role! They’re looking for a bigger guy.” I get auditions for “All body types” or “Slightly out of shape” and other showbiz euphemisms for “fat guy.”
There was a clerk at a convenience store that I used to frequent (notice the “used to”). He was always super friendly and I enjoyed our rapport. English was not his first language and while I don’t know what his heritage was, I would guess somewhere in the middle east. I only relate this fact because I don’t know what his culture is or what is deemed “appropriate” for him, and that may possibly have a bearing on the following exchange we had (paraphrased as I don’t remember the exact words and he speaks slightly broken English). Once while ringing me up, he kind of quietly said “Hey can I give you some advice?”
“Sure,” I said.
“Maybe go for a jog every now and then.” I kind of just nodded with a fake smile over my slightly shocked reaction.
“Or maybe, some days just don’t eat anything! Look at me!” He said with a smile indicating that he was a slim-appearing guy. He said all this with warmth and familiarity, not with malice or judgment, but still I was definitely taken aback. I have not been back to that store.
I have all the knowledge. Food is my drug, my addiction, my dopamine. I know all the “tricks.” Small steps that stick. No overnight overhauls that generally don’t. Things get harder as we get older. I don’t shed the weight as easily and quickly as I did before, even in a calorie deficit. Just because something worked for someone else, or even worked for me in the past, doesn’t mean it will work for me now. If one approach repeatedly fails, try another.
But I think that the most important thing is that I don’t ever give up. I don’t ever stop trying. I don’t ever resign myself to just “Accepting that this is me now.” It is on my mind 24/7. I do not like being perceived. I don’t want to be seen. Not a great trait to have as an actor and musician. I don’t move right. I don’t feel right. I don’t look right. I am sometimes exceedingly unkind to myself. There’s one voice in my head that’s a real asshole. But I also try to be kind to myself. We can’t “quit” food. It’s something we have to deal with multiple times every day, and every time it’s a battle. It is by far the most gigantic, looming source or unhappiness in my life. I’m sure it comes across subconsciously in my auditions. People can probably sense the discomfort I have with my own body and appearance.
And I think it’s important to say that we are all individual. Everyone’s body is unique. I am NOT saying “Thinner is better” or anything like that. I simply know where my individual body looks, feels, and functions the best. When I feel the most myself and move with ease. I am so lucky to have a healthy body that does function well, generally and that thus far all my physicals come back with no problems or medications needed. I know that as I age, it becomes more and more important to get this under control. I don’t want to be one of those people who has to have a heart attack to be forced to turn things around.
It has probably been 15 years since I was “happy” with my body and appearance. That’s a really long time. And even then I didn’t know how good I had it. Most people will never know the invisible battles we fight on the daily. But at least I’ll never stop fighting.